I never knew a revolutionary who was afraid to dance.

Some Sick Parody

2010-02-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

This man, Jim Caldwell, is the coach for the Colts, who lost the Super Bowl today.

He will not yell.

He will not scream.

He will not giving a rousing half-time speech in the locker room that motivates the players, giving them a new found faith in themselves.

No, he will just look at you

With his piercing stare.

After the game today, he made the team stand in a line and one by one he looked them straight in the face.

He just looked.

At this moment, they all new they were failures.

But enough about the Super Bowl, which is obviously just some sick parody of tonights main event!!

PUPPY BOWL VI!!!

At first I was routing for Bear to be the MVP, but this was before I saw any game play (yes, I looked up all the starting puppies online before the show), but after seeing this puppy in action, well it was obvious. This puppy, named Jake, didn't make any touch downs (but thats so obvs not what the Puppy Bowl is about) but he played so hard. He gave it his all. Generally I don't appreciate an underdog story (really, there was no way to avoid that), but no one expected Jake to be able to bring it, but he did! He restored my faith in determination and the power of believing in your self!! He is an American hero.

I think we can all agree the bunny cheerleaders were a joke!

Restless

2010-02-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

Ya know those sitcoms where there is some push pull romance that keeps you coming back for more. I think the Office Jim and Pam romance is a key example. The audience is made to be sooo aware of the right answer. Obviously Pam should dump Roy and be with Jim. It is almost frustrating, why can't these characters see what is so obvious to everyone else, why aren't they aware of the easy way to happiness. And the creators of the show know why we tune in every week. We NEED to see whats going to happen, we NEED to have resolution. I would say 9 times out of 10 eventually the two people come together. Some shows are able to draw us in to a single romantic struggle for a long time, I mean Jim and Pam didn't get together till the fourth season. We all came back week after week for four seasons to see if the inevitable would finally happen.

After there finally is some sort of resolution, it almost seems fruitless coming back. I mean, maybe the Office isn't a prime example because it is actually a really good show that I enjoy a lot still, but I probably don't watch each new episode with as much enthusiasm as I once did.

We love to watch these fictional characters live in romantic tension. It is exciting, thrilling and always keeps us coming back for more.

I am not sure why I wrote this, or maybe I do. I feel like recently I've been more reflective than usual, or maybe just more confused. I am going to spend a day (like 24 hours) at a monastery this week I think. I want to get away and have some alone time to think and reflect. I am having trouble even articulating how I've been feeling lately.

Frustrated

Unsatisfied

Bored

Restless

...I am anticipating something, but I have no idea what.

I'm like ready for some big change. I am living in nervous and exciting tension.

But nothing is on the horizon.

Not to be like whinny. My life is going great! I should be completely satisfied, and maybe that is the problem: everything is satisfactory yet nothing is extraordinary.

Why am I not a traveling French orphan with nothing but a bicycle and a mysterious and enticing aura?

Oh yeah... I don't speak French.

Man, what the fuck am I talking about?

The problem with these push pull relationships is that there is always something preventing the two people to get together. This blockade is strong enough and important enough to keep one or more of the characters distracted. It or they seemingly just complicate the situation.

But without the blockade there is no tension.

Without tension there is no excitement.

Without excitement, you just get the satisfactory.

Hipsters in History!

2010-01-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

Amelia Earhart is an Oly hipster:

High waisted tweed(ish) slacks

Frumpy yet form fitting sweater over a collared button-up

Boy scout scarf

unkempt short curly hair

Oly hipsters would be sooo much cooler if they flew airplanes.

Time On the Ole Hands

2009-08-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

So a friend of mine tweeted this question; Do you ever wonder what people say about you when you're not around?

In my mind on a very conscious level I decided I didn't want to know, that it didn't really ever bother me, it was silly to let something like that get in your way or slow you down in the least bit.

But then I realized on a much more subtle level of my subconcious I decided I didn't care because I assumed people never ever spoke poorly about me. I mean maybe people who don't like me, but I don't care what they say. Their were these two girls that started a rumor in 8th grade that I stuffed my bra, it was dumb. But other than that I honestly don't think that anyone I am friends with would ever say things about me behind my back. Maybe it is really ignorant to think this.

Whatever, Ignorance is bliss I guess!

Too Tired To Form Paragraphs

2009-08-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

"Life is strange and people change and circle round again"

I don't know why I just quoted Page France. I think I should like more bands, bands are cool.

I'm 21 now. Here is what I can conclude about who Tasha is as a 21 year old:

-When it come down to spending 4 dollars on a burrito or 4 dollars on a beer, I will always choose a burrito.
-I don't actually like any bars I've been too, and I am still waiting to find the one that fits me right (Like in How I Met Your Mother, they have their bar)
-My mom is significantly cooler than me
-I still like getting coffee more than I like going to the bars.

I'm going to Minnesota soon. Corbin and I are flying together. I'm really anxious about the airport, like every thing leading up to getting on the plane. Corbin is really anxious about everything that happens once we get on the plane. We should make a great team. I'm excited to see Manders, DC, Rip and Amy... Mostly DC.

We have an espresso machine at the JC. Today I made a mean Mocha. Now like half of my life dreams have come true.

On Saturday I rode my bike a lot with Daniel. From 175th to the U district. It was like the first time all summer I exercised. For that last sentence I had to look up how to spell exercise. Dumb.

I paid rent over the phone. Fuck you postal system! You will not have my valuable stamps!

At my mom's we can't find the remote for the TV. She has the digital cable so you can't change the channel without it. The TV is stuck on Disney. Dumb.
I'm way too into the show Megan Wants a Millionaire.

I have too much work to do this week.

Big Dumb Metaphor

2009-07-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

Dumb mood

I had a relatively good day.

I saw Away We Go today with Holly and Andi, that was a lot of fun, it was a great movie!
Hung out with the family, that was also enjoyable.
Ate falafel, as anyone knows, I love falafel!

I went to see the Pharmacy this evening also. Most people who knew me two years ago, know how much I love the Pharmacy! I have seen them over 25 times in my life, more so than any other band by a long shot. I believed I blogged maybe 6-7 months ago about their last show in Seattle before they all moved to New Orleans, I talked about how it kind of represented an era of my life that had come to an end. It was a great night! I saw tons of friends and sang to all my favorite songs. It was just the perfect closure anyone would need, I had a great time and accepted maybe I'm not that person anymore, the person who will sit on a bus for three hours every weekend to see her favorite band. Maybe I am not the kind of person who stakes a significant amount of her identity in how obscure the bands she sees are. Maybe I am not the kind of person who will put all other obligations aside to spend a night with her best friend listening to their favorite band, or maybe I am still, I don't know.

I kind of romanticize things, like too often, that hold some sort of sentimental value. Certain places or things, as insignificant as they may seem, I hold to a high esteem because they are representative for something that is definitely significant, like friendship. I think the Pine Cone is an example of that, or the Top Hat Society. Well I kind of went into this night thinking it would be like a friend reunion, it would be a night of nostalgia and reconnection. It was anything but this. Not so much with the band, I mean yeah, they didn't play many songs I knew, but it hasn't really been about that for a long time.

I guess I was just holding out, no matter how bad things have been, some things are sacred, some things can't be touched, or I thought. I thought nostalgia and strong good memories where enough to change the current pattern of unreliability or lack of involvement, but I was obviously mistaken.

It isn't even about the show, really its just like some big dumb metaphor about how shit isn't going to be like it used to be, I've changed and you've changed and everything else has fucking changed. Its about expectations not being met and realities being faced. Like maybe things are fucked and maybe I have to face it.

dumb.

Bleh, my birthday is in a week, everyone should get me tons of birthday presents!

Happy Birthday America!

2009-07-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Generally I'd classify myself as a fun loving individual, usually up for adventure and whatnot, but in certain times I kind of become a huge party pooper and do what I can in my life to repel the fun train. This awful side of me become most prevalent on certain holidays, namely New Years Eve, Valentines Day and the 4th of July. I think what it is, is that these days come with all sorts of expectations, you need to have certain kinds of fun on those days and if you don't you fail.

I think there are a lot of people who need strong convincing something is going to be fun before they embark, like they need to know every detail of the events and you need to outline why it is worth there time to do what ever fun activity it is that you want them to do. I can't stand this attitude! I want to just go with the flow and make my own fun, you know, I usually don't wait for fun to happen, I make it happen!

Despite my usual "Go for it and have tons of fun while doing it!" attitude, on the fore mentioned holidays I generally intentionally avoid all fun on purpose, so that if I do end up having a bad time its because I chose to, not because I am lame. Sweet logic right?

For example, last New Years Eve a few friends and I decided we weren't going to go out, we were just going to stay in and watch movies. Boycott all New Years Eve style fun!! But then last minute we decided to go to a dance party, and it was lame. So we attempted to have fun, but we failed!!

Anyways, I decided this year I didn't want my 4th of July to be bogged down by my fear of not having fun, so I decided to just go for it and actually have fun! (Weird, I know!)

It started off with Memo's, a 24 hour Mexican food restaurant on University Ave, my new favorite place! Then Andi, Hailestorm and I met up with tons of lovely people at a Damage Done show in the U district. Saw lots of cool people and listened to punk rock! Then we bused over to this block party right off of East Lake. There was a mechanical bull, slip n' slide, a DJ and tons of people! We hung out there for a few hours and watched the firework show. After that back to Memo's for round two! Then we needed to get back to Andi's, but it was pretty late and the buses stopped running, so we decided to take a cab. I couldn't get through to the cab company because the number was busy for a long time. We walked outside and saw a cab and hailed it! Well mostly Lauren, but I helped a little. It was awesome, like in the movies! Anyways, made our way safely back to Andi's and then watched Arrested Developement! What a perfect fourth of July!

Moraly of the story: I had fun, good for me!

Happy Birthday America!

Adulthood here I come

2009-07-03T19:21:00.000-07:00

So, I have a year til I graduate.
I know that I have plenty of time to figure things out in my life, but I feel like if I haven't figured things out soon, I'm going to miss out.
It seems as though my time is limited, like I won't have time to do all the cool things I want to do.

Andi and I were talking about how we (or rather I) have a tendency to romanticize being punk rock. There are parts of me that just want to bum around the country and party everyday, void of any and all responsibility and accountability. But when I look around at people who are embodying this life style I am ultimately turned off by it.

I got paid today. I had been living off next to no money for nearly a month, it was hard for me. I can barely go a month without a financial security blanket before I freak out, and most of that time I was living with my mom.

I'm already applying for jobs for after I graduate; I don't want to be poor.

My job has been pretty cool so far this summer. Its an interesting change though. This year I barely ever had class, and although I pride myself on being very self motivated, its different having to adhere to someone else's schedule and needs before my own. I mean, its pretty damn real world though.

It seems as though college is a pretty self involved time, or at least my college experience has been. Everything I work for solely benefits myself and I am only responsible for myself. When I'm at the Jeremiah Center my actions directly affect my coworkers and the youth I am here to serve. Once again, real life as hell.

I always feel tempted to make "at least" one word, but then the little red line appears reminding me not to be stupid. Atleast.

I turn 21 in like two weeks. That's cool I guess, I mean I'm really into my birthday. I think there are like two different kinds of birthday people (or like 8). There are the people who get all weird and distant and hate their birthdays, and then there are people who love their birthdays. I'm definitely the latter. I feel kind of awkward making things all about me, but when it come down to it, I love when its all about me, at least for the day.

21 is a big deal I guess, like I'm joining a pretty exclusive club. Everyone gets to join eventually, but until you do you get to wait on the outside looking in (sometimes very literally).

Well adulthood here I come I guess.

dumb.

2009-05-27T18:31:00.000-07:00

So much is happening, no energy to talk about it.

Montana
Movie making
Decemberists
Visitors
Moving
No sleep tonight...........

Birthday!

2009-05-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

For my birthday this year I am going to be seeing the Decemberists at the Marymoor Park in Redmond, WA on July 17th. I just bought my ticket! If anyone wants to come with me, I would be so into this! Marymoor is an outdoor venue with general admission. I think this is going to be a really sweet show. But yes, whether your a Decemberists fan or a fan of me and want to spend my birthday with me you should get a ticket. Its pretty expensive though, like I spent a little over 50 dollars on the ticket and all the fees and stuff. So yeah, just let me know!

Heck yeah!

Bored.

2009-04-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

So, I know this old news to almost everyone who knows me, like even a little bit, but I love the Decemberists. I feel like I like them more today than other days. Shelby and I are seeing them in Montana in like three or four weeks. Also I am seeing them this summer, on my birthday in fact.

I showed my rough cut to my teacher today, I got some good feedback. It was so nerve racking, but now I don't have a solid deadline again for like 3 weeks, which mean I can calm down a little. But I might end up having to re shoot a scene or two. Also I need to re record some audio. I thought I was done with APS for the quarter, how wrong I was!!

I feel like I spend more time in the MML than I do at my house.

Dumb dumb dumb.

I am procrastinating work right now.

blah.

The Office and 30Rock are on in a couple hours. That is cool!

Terror Alert Level Orangish Red.

2009-04-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like whenever I go to my Mom's place I actually hear about whats happening in the world. In Olympia I don't read the paper or watch the news. In all actuality I really just don't care about whats happening in the world. The only reason I would want to be kept up on current events would be to better understand South Park jokes. But anyways, whenever I stay at my Mom's I always watch hours of news (Conservative news at that, cause my mom decided she is a conservative now). And what does hours of news breed? Irrational fears! Last time I visited I was soooo worried about hyperinflation. Now I'm worried about a billion people dying because of the Swine Flu.

Dumb.

Why me and Shelby are the same person

2009-04-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

So I was playing the animal guessing game with my younger sister today and it is important to keep in mind that she has no prior knowledge about any of the guess the animal games played in the past amongst myself and college friends. So she was asking questions and basically only knows that it is a mammal that doesn't live in America and is a few feet big.

She asks me "Is it a monkey?"

I say "Uhh, kind of"

She quickly, without hesitation responds "Oh a Lemur?"

I love my sister

Tisk Tisk Tisk.

2009-04-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

It is evident by my last few blog posts that the phone update thing on Blogger has a lot of bugs to work out. I give it a D.

2009-04-15T11:50:00.001-07:00

nt out that I don't have a key pad and am hella T9ing this shit.

2009-04-15T11:49:00.001-07:00

So I think blogger wants to be more like twitter, cause now apparently you can update your blog from your phone. Although I think this function is a lit

Done with my produc for my proj

2009-04-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

I started and finished shooting the Pine Cone yesterday. It was one of the most intense things I've ever done. Of course it wouldn't have been possible without so many amazing people.

I have been neglecting important aspects of my life for the last week due to the stress of preparing for the shoot, so hopefully I can take the next couple days to get my life back to order.

I have lots of thoughts about production and hopefully in the next week I will have clips posted to my production blog.

So as many of you are aware yesterday was Easter. It was kind of weird not being able to go home and spend it with my family. My mom sent me an Easter basket, which is like the coolest thing ever. I actually got three packages in the mail this last week. I mean two were from Amazon.com, but it was still exciting.

I get to drink coffee again. It is actually kind of weird, because I don't need it anymore, I think about it less. When I first stopped drinking it a mere 47 days ago I thought about it like every hour or so, many aspects of my life changed because coffee and caffeine were no longer apart of my routine. Today for example I got up and left my house and was running around doing stuff for like 4 hours because I got coffee. Its like now I have to remember to drink it, opposed to it being an integral part of my life. Meh, whatever, I imagine things will get back to normal as soon my schedule and life gets back to normal.

I saw Adventure Land and Observe and Report recently, I enjoyed both very much. This week I want to see Crank 2: High Voltage and Wendy and Lucy. Movies movies, I like movies. Sometimes I make movies. Movies movies movies.

ps. The Decemberists are playing a show in Redmond on my 21st birthday. Boo yah!

O:NHVGT

2009-04-06T10:26:00.000-07:00

The sun is shinning! I am so excited about this. I know this is like dumb to say because everyone loves the sun and is excited about its tendancy to shine in the spring, but still, fuck yeah!

Yesterday Operation: Not Having a Very Good Time, or O:NHVGT had our first event. We went to Snoqulamie Falls and North Bend to eat at the diner in the tv show Twin Peaks. It was a lot of fun. I got a nose bleed from the altitude I assume, that was kind of weird.

On the way back I put on this mix I made for Charlie last Spring of my favorite music to listen to when it is sunny. Like half of the music was silly things I really liked when I was 12-15 years old, but the other half was more DIY music that I was into last Spring. Listening to it made me miss music. I don't know whats been happening recently in my life, but I just haven't been interested in going to shows. Most of my friends in Olympia aren't neccessarily into the same music I am, so it would make sense that I wouldn't go to shows with them, but it didn't stop me Freshmen or Sophomore year. Ugh, well now thats it sunny again I want to get back into shows starting with Defiance, Ohio next week.

Oh, I'm filming my movie in like 5 days and that scares me sooo much I want to scream.

Bored.

2009-04-01T01:16:00.001-07:00

So I get in these funks where I don't blog for a long time because nothing in my life is particularly blog worthy. And so then get all weird because I haven't blogged in awhile so I feel like I can't just write something dumb, cause I could have been writing dumb things all along. But I refuse to let that stop me this time!!

Spring break was great and included such wonderful things like:
Fam
Friendship
Jeremiah Center
Tattoo
Bingo
Hear Me Out
Monopoly
Digital Cable

I have class today which is always something I enjoy.

uhh... Punk Rock!

Poll

2009-03-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

I tried adding a pole to my blog but it wouldn't work, so now we are just going to have to do this the old fashion way. Please respond to the following question by posting the corresponding answer in my comments section

I gave up caffeine/coffee for lent, is drinking decaf coffee in violation of that?

A) Yes, it is a violation.

B) No, drink it up.

C) No, but it is the antithesis of everything you believe in so don't drink it!

D) Uhh, its tricky. Maybe just on Sundays.

So what do you think?

10 Victory Points!

2009-03-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Corbin's birthday and we did one of my favorite things to do; we played a board game!! Maybe most of my friends don't know this about me but I love to play board games. I play with my family all the time, it was pretty much all I did over winterbreak in fact. Last year Matt louv and I played Monopoly kind of often, and that was awesome. In high school Nathan and I played pretty often, the problem was finding people who would play with us, cause monopoly isn't very fun with only two people. Recently I have just been starved of any board game action. But anyways last night at Charlie's we played Settlers of Catan which I had never played before. Lauren and I were on a team and we totally won! I really liked the game and now that I completely understand it I want to play again cause I might go about things pretty differently.

I still think that I prefer Monopoly, and mostly because you have to rely on other people so much more. I think my favorite aspect of board games is when you have to manipulate the people around you and get them to help you out more than you help them out. You definitely will play a better game if you are trading with other players, but it isn't as neccesary as in Monopoly, also the main thing to trade is resources and although throughout the game some resources are seen as more valuable than others, there are all pretty much weighed the same and usually just traded resource to resource.

I like the varying degree of property you can own in Monopoly because it makes things more interesting. Like although Boardwalk and Park Place are the most "valuable" monopoly on the board, we all know they don't always pay off because they are extremely expensive to build on and are rarely landed on. One might think it more wise to spend their energy building on the grey properties (thats right, grey!), which are often landed on. But the person with the grey monopoly can get landed on like 5 times before they match the distructive power of Boardwalk, and we all know taking out all of someone's money at one time is better than doing slowly throughout a game.

Okay, I am done nerding out!

So last night Matt gave Corbin and I a ride home. As we were going across the fourth avenue bridge a cop pulls over us over. Apparently Matt was going a little too fast. The cop took Matts info, where he realized Matt went to Evergreen, and ran it. He came back to the car and said something along the lines of "Well I am not going to give you a ticket because you have to go to such an awful school." Now I probably appreciate cops more than the average Evergreen student, but come one! Dick move officer. I want a job where I can just be a fucker and no one can tell me off because I have a fucking gun and handcuffs. Wouldn't that be lovely. Well he didn't give Matt a ticket, so whatever.

Bored.

2009-03-03T11:18:00.001-08:00

I made an animated Gif that I then posted on this blog. Isn't it just Wacky!!

Have you ever noticed that coffee and coughy sound the same?

2009-02-26T00:37:00.000-08:00

.coffee.

I wonder if people didn't know much about me, and I don't know, used some of those handy dandy internet sites to get to know more about me, what they would think. Well if you look around the interests and activities section of my facebook, it pretty clearly displays my love for coffee. On my myspace you don't have to read anything, just a quick glance identifies that I like coffee and that goes for my blog and twitter also. In fact, even my class production blog. Lets face it, it is well known knowledge to anyone who interacts with me that I like coffee. Some people might call my love an addiction, but let yourself not be fooled, it is LOVE! I love the way it smells, I love the way it tastes, I love the way it makes my body feel, my mind feel, I like the culture that surrounds it, it legitimately make me happier, I love ordering a cup of coffee and when they ask if I want cream or sugar, saying no, I love tiredly making coffee in the morning as my precursor to life, I like going out to diners and cafes, I like making movies about people drinking coffee. I am in love with coffee.

That being said, from this point on I will not drink another sip of coffee or caffeine* until Easter Sunday. 46 days! I am doing this as my own personal fasting during the season of lent. Today was Ash Wednesday, the start of lent, and throughout the day I was trying to figure out what I needed to give up, and well whether or not I want to admit it, all signs pointed to coffee and caffeine. If I am particularly irritable, aggressive or tired in the next few weeks either you have offended me horribly or I am just detoxing.

Matt Louv had a cup of coffee at my house today. It made me so happy, like I was in some small way helping him see a greater truth.

I won a free pound of coffee yesterday. It was the first rally I've ever won at the Capitol.

I'm making a movie that includes a lot of coffee consumption.

I usually drink on average 6/7 cups a day.

I usually spend anywhere from 1 dollar to ten a day on coffee.

There is no where in Olympia I like to hang out that I can't get coffee at.

Lets just say this is going to require some serious life changes.

Also, I mean I am like totally physically addicted to caffeine, so like I'm probably going to feel awful for a week for just that reason, not to mention the emotional trama.

One last thought: I have absolutely and positively no intention to give up coffee permentantely. This is purely for lent. I don't even want to enterain such an awful idea and neither should any of you.

.coffee.

*I still have every intention of eating chocolate. I know it has a tiny bit of caffeine, but I just honestly don't care.

Only cause I felt like my head was going to explode

2009-02-24T16:38:00.000-08:00

I felt really sick, was super dizzy and had bad head ache. I took two Excedrins (by took I mean chewed, because I can't swallow pills). Now I feel better.

Maybe medicine isn't that evil all the time and maybe it isn't completely vital to my health to avoid it at all costs.

Although the bottle of Excedrin cost 5 bucks! What the hell?

Opps?!?!?

2009-02-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

I will really just ought to apologize for my previous blog post. TV night happened at the beach cabin and it was great. Maybe I shouldn't have been so hard on ya guys...

Well TV nights at beach cabin are numbered so I'm glad we are taking full advantage.

In other news my entire production for class is crumbling. More on that on my other blog.

What's on your Mind Grapes?

2009-02-19T00:02:00.000-08:00

All my supposed friends are going to be too busy to watch the Office and 30rock with me tomorrow. I mean, remember when TV night used to mean something? Remember when people still had honor and dignity? Well those days are over, my friends will just whore themselves out to anyone on TV night!

"But Tasha we have a sketch show and need to do rehearsal."

Well sorry if I don't give a shit.

And uhh, what about me? I don't have a television. I can't just meander into my living room and turn on the ole tv box!! I guess I'll just wait till the shows are online, cause you know, the future!

Ughh, all I want are some friends who aren't fucking pansies!*

*Oh, and if you think I'm talk about you, I'm not. Ugh, you're so self involved you think everyone is always talking about you. Trust me, this has nothing to do with you.

I guess this is why they have sporks.

2009-02-17T17:26:00.000-08:00

So My friend Daniel and I have a music blog. I know what you're thinking, "Tasha doesn't know anything about music?!?!" And well your right! But that aside I am a contributor on a music blog now so get used to it.

I eat Betty Baker's Mac n Cheese often. Like at least a couple times a week. But for whatever reason everytime I make it I can never figure out which to use, a fork or a spoon. I am eating some right now and I went with spoon, but I know that I've definitely gone fork rather often. For a food I eat often, you'd think I'd know how to eat it. Guess not.

whine.

2009-02-15T11:52:00.000-08:00

I feel like their are times in my life where everything that happens to me is absolutely blog worthy. Their are other times where everything in my life just seems mundane and ruitine.

"Hey Tasha! What have you been up to?"

"Oh, umm, well I am working on this movie for class..."

Its not even like I'm working that hard or anything, but when I think about what I do with my life thats all that comes to mind. Like Saturday I was hanging out with Charlie and Matty Louv and we were trying to figure out what to do to kill time before the improv show. We had about 5 hours to kill. For the life of me I could not figure out what the hell I do for fun. And then yesterday I sat in my living room for 12 hours hanging out with a variety of people, but nevertheless I was still just hanging out in my living room. What the hell is fun and exciting.

Maybe I should read books.

Or watch the wire :(

It doesn't really hurt unless it gets you in the ear.

2009-02-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

It seems as though I have been neglecting this blog recently. I have been expected to keep a blog for class this quarter so I think it has been sucking up a lot of my blog writing energy. Check it out! Or don't, either way its cool.

http://blogs.evergreen.edu/natashanorton/

I don't really have much to say about my life other than class related stuff, which is what my other blog entails.

Oh I bought a nerf gun, you know, for shooting at things.

Bah.

2009-01-20T15:29:00.001-08:00

So do you ever feel like things just don't make sense and there is no reasonable explaination. Like why is it that I can't find a listing for any businesses inside the Olympia business park thing, but every business that is supposed to be there comes up with a listing in another area of town. They are all listed at this other random location, even though I know it isn't where they actually reside. So, when I try to find the number for the other restaurant I went to yesterday, which is completely unrelated to the Olympia business park, it apparently doesn't exsist in google. Oh maybe it isn't updated, the restuarant used to be downtown, so I call the listing google has for the downtown restaurant and someone answers, but it isn't for the restaurant, it is someones private line. My back pack went missing yesterday and my attempts to retrace my steps are proving to lead me to be more confused.

So, maybe its a bad idea to spend 3 hours watching a science fiction tv show, but now I've got all these wack conspiracies going through my head. Why can't I find a listing for Hot Iron Monglian Grill, Starbucks, Taco Del Mar, or Fuji Teriaki? Why can't I seem to remember where the hell my pack back could have gone? Why can none of my friends find it in their homes? Who or what is trying to keep me from getting to the truth and what important meaning does the green jansport hold that someone is going to such great lengths to keep me from it? Or does the green back pack even exsist? Did I even go to these restaurants? What is reality and what is fiction?

This is all so disorientating.

How does this make you feel?

2009-01-19T16:59:00.000-08:00

hmm...

Remember that day when you found out Santa wasn't real?

Well... It's kind of like that.

Growing Old

2009-01-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

I went to a Pharmacy show a few weeks ago. They just recently moved to New Orleans and it was their last show here. Most people who know me are aware that I really like that band, like a lot. I have been to over 25 Pharmacy shows. I own three different Pharmacy shirts. I have 8 Pharmacy posters up in my room. I went to a show once and it was a mere 5 or 6 hours after getting intense dental surgery. I had gauze in my mouth and I was spitting blood into a cup in the front row. I was singing so hard I popped a stitch. I've been to shows with hundred of other people and shows with 4 other people. To say the least, the Pharmacy has been a major part of my life over the last 4 years. My interest in them has definitely declined over the last year or so, I mean I barely see them anymore, although I still appreciate them.

When I was preparing to go to their most recent Seattle show, the last one before they moved, I didn't think much about the fact that a band I had dedicated so much time and energy to would be moving across the country. To be perfectly honest I didn't care much at all. If something better had been presented I may not have gone to the show at all. Well I went and it was a lot of fun. I saw a ton of people who I knew and a lot of great bands I had never heard of. I am not going to describe every detail of the show because no one cares, but they did play Fedex Planes and Comic Book, which was a great surprise.

When the show ended a weird sadness kind of fell over me. This show was an overdue marker for the end of an era. I don't just mean an era of seeing Pharmacy shows. It was more like that band was a major element to the caricature I embodied Freshmen year, someone who I no longer can identify with. I am seemingly probably pretty similar to the person I was two years ago. I dress the same, I listen to the same music (for the most part), I am studying the same thing in school and shit, I hang out with mostly the same people. Despite being seemingly unchanged, I know I am a different person, maybe even purely for the reason that I don't want to go to punk shows three days a week anymore.

Classes have started again for this quarter. Yesterday I started freaking out. I need to orchestrate the creation of a half hour long film, and I feel completely incompetent. I know that as soon as I am on the set, my amazing film making skills will speak for themselves. But I need to make shit happen. I need to find actors and a location. I need to hold auditions and rehearsals. I need to get costumes and props. I need to be organized and self motivated. I need to finish writing that damn script. I am not confident in my ability to do any of these things. Maybe I should get off my ass and work on this now instead of sitting around blogging.

For class this quarter I need to keep a production blog. I'll set up a link to that as soon as I get it up and running.

I'm getting real internet soon!

"Spent the first hundred years of my life growing old"

Internet Access at 5 in the morning

2008-12-29T05:23:00.000-08:00

Best thing I've ever done:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmonds,_Washington#Notable_locals

No internet and no cable

2008-12-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

Snow is really getting in the way of things. There is supposed to be a big ass storm tonight. I hope not, I don't want the Jeremiah Center's Christmas party to get canceled, that would blow. My mom doesn't have internet or cable at her house, I'm at Starbucks with Shelby using there wifi. I am obviously really bored without these commodities so I have taken to organizing the pictures, music, and documents on my computer. I have found a lot of things that are pretty embaressing. Like that were saved onto my computer during weird parts of my life and stand as a time capsle to different things I've experienced. After reading through some particularly vulernable word documents I realized that are some pretty embaressing things and all I wanted to do is erase them, but I will resist. I hate the words I've typed because they remind me that there was a time that I actually believed that bullshit. I need to remember that I use to think certain things, so that I can attempt to never think them again! I don't want to delete my past, but I sure as hell don't want to spend too much time reflecting on how much of a dumb ass I once was. Maybe having such a public blog is good for this reason. I've kept a journal on and off for most of high school and college, but that is different. What I write for my self is incredibly different than how I present myself on this thing. I always have the ability to pick up an old journal and know the deepest darkest secrets of 15 year old Tasha, but I am glad that now I have a public record of how Tasha presents herself to the world. What did I care about? Who was I hanging out with? What was pressing in my life?

I had a xanga when I was 15, I've read through some of those posts in recent years.

Hella dumb.

Chips and coffee

2008-12-17T17:14:00.000-08:00

I'm going to Edmonds soon. Tomorrow or the next day. I am not feeling good about leaving. I don't have anyone to take my place at the beach cabin yet. I haven't attempted to pack up any of my things or made solid arrangements to move downtown yet. I know I need to move, and I plan on it. My goal for this year was to live somewhere for 9 months. It would have been a record since college has started, and look at me, three months into a 9 month obligation and I am bailing. Laurel told me that if people move around or experience a lot of change in their childhood then once they grow up they have a hard time staying put. I can easily identify with a childhood of change and upheaval. I attended 7 different elementary schools and lived in countless amount of neighborhoods and houses. When I was in 5th grade my housing situation finally stabilized, I lived in the same house from then till I left for college. Although I found stability in my house, my living situation was definitely still fluctuating. The number of people residing in my house changed more often than the seasons. Family members, step siblings, random teenagers, even my sister Katrina moved in and out during middle and high school. The amount of people living in there would range anywhere from 6 to 11 people. Does the change and sporadic upheaval in my childhood cause me to be a restless adult?

It seems as though all the moves I've made since I graduated high school were utterly necessary, but why is it that I am the only one who moves every couple of months? Maybe I can stay in this new house till I graduate. I mean, I'm definitely going to be in Edmonds this summer, but the rent is cheap enough to keep it while I'm away. I probably should have this discussion with Heather and Lily instead of the internet. They probably have like a lease and stuff. Wow, I really am just diving head first into a situation that I haven't really thought out that well. That's okay though, this is definitely what needs to happen, its just not my style.

Today is snowy. Annoyingly snowy. We haven't been able to leave the Beach Cabin due to the dangerous roads. I don't know why this annoys me so much, but it is indeed driving me crazy. I don't have any other plans or anything today and I was really looking forward to having a relatively lazy day, but because I am STUCK here, it just feels all the more awful. Charlie and I walked to Island Market and got coffee and brownies (which are currently cooking in the oven!) so I guess I have gotten out today. In other more pressing issues, I realized after we got back from our adventurous store run, we are running dangerously low on toilet paper. I also realized shortly after returning to the store that I am in need of lady products, which would have been nice to know before we went to the store.

I know everyone who knows me has heard this but, I MISS THE REEF!!!! At first my friends mocked me, they didn't fully appreciate all the Reef has to offer. We arrive in downtown and what are our options?

New Moon? Good, yet never open! The hours are really limited and inconvenient. Also it is really small in there and they only have tables, no booths.

Quality Burrito? This place is open relatively late, but I am not that into burritos. 'Well Tasha, you don't need to get food, we all know you really love going out to get coffee.' Oh yeah, and they serve coffee in fricking glass, which is completely illogical and annoying. The seating set up is lovely.

Curbside? Do I need to explain?

La Voyeur? It has gotten really expensive and after nine it is a bar. I know that it wouldn't be that hard to be in there during bar hours, but I just don't care that much.

Darby's? Buhhh, actually this place has gotten a lot of business from me since the Reef closed. But don't get me wrong, I will never ever go into that hell whole while the Reef is open. I hate that fucking establishment. Seemingly it is a nice alternative. It serves decently priced diner food, it closes early but is still a good early evening location. It is right down town and the coffee is good. So what is so wrong with Darby's? Well simply, it is a parody. It is a parody of a real decent restaurant. If you looked at it through the window, you would think, nice establishment. If you perused the menu you might even believe you could get some good eats. Fuck, I bet you could even sit down and enjoy an entire meal and think, 'boy I like this place'. But let me assure you, it is all an illusion. I am not a needy customer. My needs are simple. You know what I don't fucking need? A fucking smart ass 'I think I am too cute to do my fucking job' asshole fuck. Charlie, a dear friend of mine, has always been a fan of the arch nemesis, something I have also seen as kind of childish. But, if I was a super hero, my arch nemesis would definitely be inattentive, sarcastic waiter dude from Darby's. Pink Stripes, as I will call him due to the fact that one time he wore a tank top with pink stripes, is everything I am not when it comes to diner culture. He is the anti Tasha. He takes something that I love and shits on it. Bahh, I wasn't meaning to go into this.

Maybe I need to care about more things.

Would you look at this weather?

2008-12-13T03:43:00.000-08:00

I hate when I start blogs with "I haven't posted in awhile" or "I don't really have anything to talk about." I have definitely been guilty of this in the past, and I was tempted to do it just now. Why should I let my loyal readers know that my life is boring or whatever. That is bad marketing.

Tonight after the improv show and opening night of Book of Liz a bunch of people went to Denny's, were we where treated to the late night menu. Charlie was looking at pictures of pie and said "Its like there trying to manipulate me into buying this!" We had to explain to him that all advertising attempts to do this.

You know those stupid crane machines they have at places? Well they have one at Denny's on the west side, and in them they have rubber balls. There was a great variety of rubber balls ranging from Twizzlers, baby Betty Boop, various sports team, the Jetsons, and Reese's Pieces painted balls. But the best and single most unfitting of all these balls was the Nightmare on Elm Street ball! You know in dumb romance movies when the guy wins the girl the stupid stuffed bear at the carnival and she is like totally in love with him because of it? Dumb right? Well, I'm just going to say that if any chivalrous person out there wants to win over my heart they need to get me a fucking Nightmare on Elm Street rubber ball!

I'm pretty sure Potachos are a thing of the past :(

I had a goal this year to live in the same place for like 9 months straight. Well, I suck.

I wrote a screenplay. I need youngish looking actors, people who can pull of being 17. Anyone interested?

December 6th 2007 was a year ago

2008-12-06T00:56:00.000-08:00

Post 100.

I started this blog on December 6th 2007.

One year ago from today.

This is an average of a blog post every 3.56 days.

Where was I last year?

I hated my job

I was doing poorly in school

I was still recovering from a break-up

and I could get a cup of coffee at the Reef for 1.25

So much has changed.

I feel like my 100th blog should be super celebratory, but I'm not feeling it right now.

I need to go to sleep.

One year anniversary of I Never Knew a Revolutionary Who Was Afraid To Dance.

woot!

Here all the Bombs Fade Away

2008-12-03T22:25:00.000-08:00

I am not going on Facebook or Myspace for a week. I will probably save like 10 hours this week by not checking either of those pages. It is currently killing me. All I want to do is check them, but I won't!

Thanksgiving break was amazing this year! I literally just had so much fun everyday. I hung out with people I haven't seen in awhile, I met awesome new people, and I went to two great shows. Last thanksgiving break was so awful, RC and I broke up and my mom and I fought the entire time, it was our infamous myspace fight that resulted in my mom ignoring my existence for 3 days. I almost left Edmonds and spent the remainder of break in Olympia. I can't believe how much of a happier more fulfilled person I am this time around. I was just surrounding with amazing people who encourage me to be an awesome fun person.

I saw the Decemberists with Daniel on Sunday. We bought the tickets back in September I believe, maybe August actually. I remember the day vividly. Daniel called and left a message on my phone saying that we had good news and Daniel used to never leave messages (weirdly he does all the time now, but that might have been the first ever message he had left on my phone for the 4 years I've known him). I new as soon as I heard his cryptic message I knew that either the Decemberists, Page France, or Sufjan Stevens were playing a show. I called him and we bought tickets that night. They had a small pre-sale of tickets and we took advantage. I remember the UPS people had the hardest time finding my home to drop off the much anticipated tickets. I remember receiving a reimbursement check for the tickets from Daniel's dad which revealed my true identity as Natasha (opposed to Latasha) to Daniel's little sister. These tickets were a big deal. Last Friday I went to grab the tickets from the living room and couldn't find them. Panic. I looked in all the stacks of mail and loose paper. I looked under all the furniture. I looked in all the nooks in the crannies. I recruited the help of my family and they searched everywhere imaginable. My mom and I tag teamed taking all the bags of garbage out of the dumpster and searching through them. I probably looked for those damn tickets for at least 6 hours. My family lives in a pretty small apartment, and they had only been in the house for like 5 days at that point. They couldn't be buried that deep! I began to realize that maybe I wasn't going to find them I started exhausting other resources. I called and emailed ticketmaster, musictoday, and the Moore theatre. Each entity kept saying that I needed to contact the other one in order to get new tickets. I was hopeless.

The day the concert rolled around. I was talking to Daniel over facebook chat. He was asking what time we should head down to the concert and I kept insisting we show up early. He was not understanding why we needed to show up for the show 3 hours early. I needed to break the news to him. I told him I needed to tell him something but I needed to do it over the phone. I call and preface the conversation with "Okay, you can't get mad and you can't tell your parents." I nervously continued "I lost the tickets." and then the obvious reaction for Daniel was to accuse me of being a liar. I just started laughing! I think maybe I had just finally accepted that I misplaced 80 dollars worth of tickets, and relized how fricking funny that is.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Its psychotic Laughter!"

We get to the Moore theatre a few hours early and get in line. In line? I don't know, it seemed right. We are hanging out for awhile, drinking Tully's coffee when a lady walks by, "Anybody need any tickets."
"I do." But no cash!

I ran to the nearest ATM, it was in the whiskey bar. I walk in and head to the ATM. Some big dude come over to me and asks to see my ID, but oh wait, I'm only twenty. I leave and start looking for the next ATM, which is like 4 blocks away. I practically ran back and exchanged another 80 dollars for two more tickets. We get into the show and got good seats, in the third row.

The first band was pretty cool, I had never heard of them. Loch Lohan, I believe was their name. The weirdest thing is that the lights went down at exactly 8:00. I'm used to a show saying it starts at 8 and actually start at 9:30. The Decemberists where up next and they fricking rocked it! During their second song "The Island" Colin Meloy tells everyone to grab their chairs and push them off to the side. Dancing and singing and joy for the next two hours. The "last" song they played was Chimbley Sweep. It was wonderful. Of course they encored, and played 3 more songs. During the actual last one "Sons and Daughters" Colin Meloy starts encouraging people to come on stage and help him sing the song. I jumped up there and stood in close proximity to Colin. There might have been a hug exchanged at the end of the show between us, but I don't kiss and tell!

I was such a giddy little 15 year old girl (aka I was acting like Shelby). I haven't felt that starstruck like ever.

I have a huge research project due on Friday, I should be doing that, not this!
Riley fixed my computer. I have my computer!!
I offered to buy him a cup of coffee or something, and he said we can just call it even from the 150 dollars he owes me for a broken ipod he sold. Hmm, a cup of coffee vs. ipod?
Oh well, I have a computer again!

Oh shit, I have a baby!!

2008-11-29T01:00:00.001-08:00

So the other night I had a disturbing and very vivid dream. In this dream I had... a baby. So in my dream I have a baby and then like a week later I remembered "Oh shit, I have a baby!! Where did I put that?"

My grandma had been watching him/her. When I first had the baby I named it something real cool, on some weird conscious level I remember thinking that once I wake up from this dream I should be aware of that name because it was cool. But I couldn't remember it in my dream. I was soo embarrassed because I couldn't remember my own babies name. I was doing that thing, like when you don't know someone your hanging out withs name so you try and get them to say it or whatever.

Then someone, in my dream, asked me who the father was and I was trying to convince them that there was no father because I have never had sex. My mom kept calling my a liar and said that I've obviously had sex and that is why I have a kid. Anyways, I am sitting there with a baby in my arms and I couldn't figure out why I didn't have any baby toys or like a crib. I was super annoyed, and I kept thinking, "Why the hell didn't I have a baby shower? People get all kinds of presents for their kids at baby showers!" So I had a baby and I didn't even know its name and I didn't have any toys or anything for it and I was super embarrassed about my ill preparedness and my mom was trying to convince everyone that I wasn't a virgin.

The weirdest part of all this is that the next morning, in a half awake half asleep daze I thought "Wow! A lot has been happening in my life recently, with the baby and all, I really should blog about this." It took me awhile to realize that I wasn't actually a mom.

So I am not that into dream analysis, but I definitely took that to mean that I am not ready to have a child and I am not ready to be engaging in activities that lead to having children. Well maybe it didn't necessarily mean that, but it was vivid and scary enough to make me steer clear of all things that lead to have babies.

Thanksgiving this year was surprisingly uneventful. No fights or anything, well at least not until the next day! Good job family! We did it! Lauren Haile came to visit and celebrated Thanksgiving with my family. It was awesome! We made tofurky.

I've watched enough television today to last me the next three weeks. It's amazing what I'll do to avoid research. When I watched the entirety of White Chicks I knew I needed to do something more productive for awhile. So now I'm blogging.

I'm tired and want to go to bed. Edmonds and Olympia are colliding are a rate that might end with sand storms and acid rain. But I mean that in the best way possible.

All Freaking Night!

2008-11-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

I slept in till 7:30pm tonight, and before you judge let me say that I was up till 9:30 this morning after spending all night watching horror movies at All Freaking Night. It was definitely an evening that I can only describe as Xtreme! It consists of watching 5 horror movies at Capital Theatre from midnight till the next morning. We got all kinds of energy drinks
candy, and junk food and flipping partied. Some of my friends snuck in alcohol using flasks (which in my opinion is a little dramatic). During the first movie especially, we were all yelling at the screen and being way too obnoxious. It was great, everyone there was really into it. It reminded me of rocky horror picture show, but all the funny little quips where all made up on the spot, opposed to being memorized. Before our friends got their Jaden and I attempted to save seats for everyone so we all could sit together. The only problem is that there were like 20 ish people who we had to save spots for, so we had this huge area that also happened to be in the best seats in the house (two front rows of the balcony). We were like fighting people off our really good spot. Jaden was awesome, people would walk over to our area and she would be like "these spots are reserved," hella awesome!

I realized while contemplating my decision to watch horror movies for 8 hours that I don't actually like the majority of those kinds of movies. I spent a great deal of the night wondering around the theatre and hanging out with friends. Lets reviews the films:

Invaders from Mars: Silly willy tale about a 12 year old boy whose parents have been taken over by aliens. He eventually gets help from the Army and they tag team the hell out of those Alien bastards. Oh and him and the hot school nurse have a ris-kay relationship that deve

lops throughout the story. The movie was fun and goofy. I liked it.

House by the Cemetery: An Italian film about this family that moves into a house and its like either haunted or their haunted or something of the sort. I wasn't exactly paying attention, but I did gather that the name freudstein was important. There were a few characters in this movie that as far as I can tell had absolutely no purpose or back story, they w

ere just there. Basically what I gathered from this movie: dolls are creepy, wholesome values, and NEVER GO IN THE BASEMENT.

Tokyo Gore Police: This was probably the film my friends were most excited about. The name (shockingly) does not give justice to the amount of gore in this movie. It was about this woman whose dad died while he was a police officer, so she became a hella bas ass police officer who tore people the fuck up. She specialized in killing "Engineers," which are mutant people. It was really graphic and disturbing. I only watched it for like a half on hour till Corbin, Freddy, and I decided to sit outside.

The damaged brain (or something or other): Some kid had some tragic thing happen so now he's crazy and murders people. I don't actually know this from watching the movie, more from reading the description. I was in the theatre for the majority of the time the movie was on, but I was not paying attention at all! I remember a scene were some harry dude was macking on some lady on a boat. That's about it. I talked about punk rock a whole bunch with Jaden

and Zak during this bad film. We didn't stay for the last movie. It was eight in the morning and we went to Darbies for breakfast. 2 egg breakfast, eggs over medium with cheddar cheese, english muffin and a cup of coffee.

I got home around 9:30. I slept for 10 hours and it felt awesome.

Where do I belong?

2008-11-11T02:07:00.000-08:00

I have been attending the Olympia Film Festival in the last couple days. I have seen some pretty great work. It has inspired me to submit the film I made last year to more (or any) festivals. I spent a lot of time on it and I should be circulating it. I was searching for film festivals, and I become very aware that maybe some festivals wouldn't like mine because it is "too Christian" so I searched for Christian film festivals. I realized my film is waayyy to experimental and critical for Christian film festivals (or at least thats the way it seems). This festivals submission requirements are enough to scare me away. The Ten Commandments of Submitting films? Commandment 4 especially makes me nervous, oh and 7. I am not so much worried that my film violates these rules, I just don't think I want to be apart of that sort of community. Actually now that I think of it, they probably wouldn't appreciate someone shooting up the sacraments like shown in my video.

Where do I belong?

Really Tasha?

2008-11-04T15:23:00.000-08:00

I just got all teary eyed watching Wife Swap. The mom from the Jewish Orthodox family and the grandmother from the Evangelical Christian family reconciled their tension and validated each others beliefs.

Maybe we all need to go on Wife Swap.

Tonight is the election. The first election I have been old enough to vote in. This is a huge deal that is going to change a lot.

So I voted.

Now no one can yell at me tonight if they don't like the outcome. It isn't due to my apathy.

I should be more anxious about tonight.

But I'm not.

Meh.

I Remember Halloween...

2008-11-02T12:23:00.000-08:00

Friday was Halloween. I went dressed as a dead lumber jack. I thought my costume was pretty convincing. There were times when I saw people who I knew, and they didn't recognize me. The festivities of the night were rather typical. It started with all us ladies going over to Celena's and Amanda's place and getting ready together. We were all sharing makeup and mirror space. I know that a lot of girls are like this every time they go out, but I usually only join in with such activities when it is dead makeup being applied. Then, once everyone was ready we had a little photo shoot in the living room. It was pretty silly. My gang for the night consisted of Jaden, Celena, Lauren, Amanda, and Jana. In the bunch we had 4 zombies, a panda, and a kitty cat. Celena and Amanda, who represented the animal costume faction, were so adorable. I was apparently was the stand in date for all my lady friends because I was dressed like a dude. Celena and Amanda live in a good neighborhood for trick or treating, so we were able to pass out candy to adorable little kids. This one girl was wearing leopard print stretch pants and around her neck she had lots of crucifixes and rosaries. I asked what she was dressed as and she confidently responded "I'm a defender of the faith."

After we left, we went to this party. It was alright. I didn't really know anyone there, other than the in the Olympia way. In Olympia I usually "know" like 70% percent of the people at any party or gathering, but we choose to ignore each other.

So we are at this party and there was some dancing and pumpkin pie. After about an hour we left and went to this party on Steam boat Island. It was pretty huge. We had to park pretty far away, like 3 blocks or something, the streets were lined with cars. then we were walking down this long drive way that was lit up by glow sticks. It was kind of eerie. Once we finally reach the house, it took me a while to orientate myself. After a few minutes I found a bunch of friends and it was a fun party. I wasn't drinking, but there you could buy a cup for ten dollars and they glowed in the dark. There were tons of people everywhere. I had a lot of good friends who were there, it was great. A lot of the people I came with were pretty wasted at this point. After a few hours of hanging out, I decided to go downstairs and listen to the band. It was a Misfits cover band. It has reminiscent of being 15. The band was screaming obscenities at the audience and I was getting in shoving matches with people significantly bigger than me. After a few songs, I was dancing and I think I brought my hand down on a wine glass, I am not sure, but all of a sudden I was bleeding. I ran upstairs and to the kitchen sink. I was freaking out a little because I wasn't sure how bad I was hurt and all of my friends were no where to be seen.

This guy, I am not sure how we was involved, but he ran over and started helping me. He tried finding a towel, but failed, so he told me I needed to take off my shirt (let me start out saying that I had a tank top, a long sleeve, and a flannel on.) So I begin to attempt to take off my flannel, but due to the fact my hand was bleeding, I was unable. So, this dude who was helping me started unbuttoning my shirt, it was awkward. Then he tried wrapping it around my hand, but I wouldn't let him because it was Charlie's shirt, so continued to take off my next shirt, which was also incredibly awkward also. So once my hand was wrapped in my old RA long sleeve, this guy sat me on the couch and told me I needed to quit drinking (which was hella annoying because I was completely sober). I called a friend who was at the party and told her I needed to leave.

After rounding up all my friends I headed to my house to more closely investigate my wound. I decided it looked deep and so we went to the ER. It was just Celena and I, but Charlie and Riley met up with us. It was pretty fun as far as emergency rooms go. After they numbed my finger up all good like, it was awesome to watch the stitches get sewn in. We all got home shortly after 4. So sleepy. I slept in till like 2:30 the next day.

Although getting injured sucks, especially because I don't have health insurance and it will be tremendously expensive, it is hella PR in like a 15 year old way. I got my first stitches when I cut my hand on a wine glass while thrashing to a Misfits cover band on Halloween. I mean, thats pretty awesome!

Nature of Faith

2008-10-30T01:36:00.000-07:00

If you run, he will chase you.

I want to be woken up. I want to know that life has meaning and I am purposeful. I can't just be here due to some cosmic coincidence. I guess my doubts with faith can also just be seen as asking the questions know one has answers to. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be fulfilling while I am here on this earth? Life is so much bigger than myself, this country, this world, this plane of existence. Thinking of big things scares me. Thinking of how little control any of us really has frightens the hell out of me.

I want to trust that God has a plan, and not just for me, but for the world.

Isn't the nature of faith believing without tangible evidence?

I worked for 10 straight hours today. I also got a raise. 25 cents an hour. I am doing well in school. I feel really prepared for my up coming project. I lead bible study tonight, I was rather put together and did a good job.

But what does any of these things have to do with any thing big or lasting?

Can God really care about each individual? Could God possibly not care about everyone?

I just want to sing indie music to an acoustic guitar and cry a little bit.

I am not even sad. I just want to feel overwhelmed with emotion.

I want to overflow with joy, and pain.

I have been keeping an image diary thing. It will apparently make me a better artist.

I want to see truth, beauty, and significance.

Then I want to right it down in a dorky little notebook I keep in my back pocket.

Yep, sleep time!

Shower/Do Laundry/Sleep

2008-10-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

Ash Ketchum?

Dead Lumber Jack?

Banana Grabber?

Halloween is just a few days away, and I have no plans and I don't have a costume. Jaden and I want to go trick or treating. Who wants to come?

I have recently remembered how much I love South Park. Like, I don't think any other show makes me laugh any harder than other show. It may make me laugh more than the Office. When will Pam hurry up and cheat on Jim? I need some drama.

Everyone in my house has been sick recently, but I refuse to let myself get sick. If I got sick I would be so sad.

I need to shower/do laundry/sleep.

All at once!

I am obviously referring to 'Man' like as in people

2008-10-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

I showed up to work at 8:01, this is one minute later than I am supposed to show up for work. There is a sign on the door that says "Center Closed, No Water." ... Huh. I go inside and I am told that the Child Care Center has no water, like the valve or whatever broke. No water, no baby watching. The downside for me of course is that I have nothing to do. They tell me I might as well go home. GO HOME!?! I live 5 miles away and don't have a car. Not only that, I made Laurel get up and drive me an hour earlier than she needed to be to school. Now I am sitting around, in the Mac Lounge, killing time. Killing time?? I don't have anything to do until 8 o clock tonight!

I am pretty tired. I got around 6 hours of sleep, so I am not doing too bad. According to Nathan's standards I got more than a full nights rest. I obviously prefer a good 8-9 hours. Nathan and Jaden spent the night last night. I was super dorky and went to bed at midnight, they got to stay up late and have fun.

I am excited about bible study. Laurel led today for the first time. She... nailed it!

I want to be a banana grabber.

Its weird how in the bible, things that are of man are often the antithesis of things that are of God. Almost as though they are opposites. First of all is anything that binary, although I must recognize that my understanding of God can't be binary because of my inability to comprehend something so grand, but can things really be of either man or God? But anyways, Jesus is referred to as the 'Son of Man' and the 'Son of God'. So, the term Son of God was a very political term back in those times, it was believed that the king ruling the Roman empire was the Son of God, they were in power due to divine intervention. The messiah was supposed to be the king of the Israelites, freeing them from the tyranny of the empire by restoring God's 'chosen' land to God's 'chosen' people. Obviously Jesus preached a messaged that spoke of a kingdom without borders and was a homeless Rabbi for most of his life, not much of a conquering king. By acknowledging him as the Son of God, his followers were pledging allegiance to him opposed to Caesar. So, it wasn't until Jesus asked his disciples who they believed him to be, and Simon Peter answered 'The Christ, the Son of the living God' that Jesus acknowledges that he is seen in the right light. So how can Jesus be son of God and son of man? Aren't these things at war with each other? Aren't these things contradicting each other? This doesn't seem like a binary God, but obviously there are things that aren't of God right??

Bleh, random mumblings.

I want to step out of the boat.

__________ If I ask for help, will someone reach out and catch me?

It seems like it is really easy to have sex

2008-10-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for awhile. I probably have excuses, but I am too lazy to list them. I went and saw Lauren Winners at this church in Seattle. She is a Christian writer that talks a lot about gender issues relating to the bible. She was talking about the Trinity and how it is all about relationships that are equal and peaceful and that our relationships should reflect this. So, gender relations should be equal and peaceful. I really enjoyed, although it was very academic, and less inspiring. I feel like some people, when giving a talk, have mastered the art of persuasion, they know what to say and when to say it, in order to drive home a point. I don't think this is dishonest at all, I just think it is very intentional. For example, I really enjoy listening to the sermons of Rob Bell, I think he is incredibly insightful and wise, truly inspiring. I do believe that the reason he is so inspiring is because he knows how to be inspiring. Lauren Winners, although obviously very intelligent, wasn't trying to inspire or convince me of anything. She was including all the details, even if they didn't necessarily reinforce her point. She didn't say what I wanted (or needed) to hear. She just displayed the facts.

I started reading one of her books, it isn't really written with the same blatant display of facts. I am not far into it, but I like it so far. It is kind of depressing so far though. It is all about Christian relationships and chastity. It was displaying a bunch of facts and stuff about high school and college aged kids, and they are all having sex. Even in (especially in) the Christian communities. Why is lust so hard? Why is it that even people who are committed to living their lives for Christ can't seem to avoid falling into the pressures of having sex. People can avoid drinking and doing drugs, they can show up to church every Sunday, but sexual sin seems unavoidable. I mean it obviously isn't, their are plenty of people who don't have sex till marriage, it just seems like a lot of people who seem to want to wait, can't. I mean I have bowed to the pressure of intimacy, and I consider myself to be a pretty strong willed individual. I just don't like that 14 and 15 year olds are having sex, they aren't able to mentally process those kinds of decisions. Lauren Winners was talking about how the church portrays sex in a really damaging way. They make it seem like all guys want is sex, and don't have emotions, and girls don't have sex drives, they just like doing their hair. neither of these things are true. Guys want emotional security and girls sometimes want to get laid.

Whaaahh, enough whinning. I just want people to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I want the kids at the Jeremiah Center to know that they are beautiful and don't need to have sex to feel valued. I want to know that I am beautiful and I don't need to have sex to feel valued.

Twin Peaks!! I want to be done blogging so that I can watch Twin Peaks. I want to be like Dale Cooper and eat pie and drink black coffee and solve murder mysteries. One day.

one day.

I have had waaaayy too much coffee and not nearly enough food today. I'm all shaky.

I have friends over, I am getting off the computer.

ps. friends and loved ones, make good decisions and live more healthy, and encourage me to live better.

... but I still have time to blog?

2008-10-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

Week two. I am already feeling it.

I am so fricking busy. I work till 5:30 Monday and Tuesday and then I work till 4:30 on Wednesday. I have class till 4 on Thursday and Friday. On Tuesday and Wednesday evenings I am pretty occupied with bible study and leaders meetings. Every other Saturday and Sunday I am busing too and from Edmonds to go the Kazba. And I still have an expected 30 hours of homework every week. I love / need to do all things. If I could get rid of one of those things on my schedule I would like it to be my job. I like working at the day care, but I hate working. Maybe someone can give me like 600 hundred dollars a month, so I don't have to work so hard. I want to take out a loan, if I just took out a loan, I could work less and have more fun!! Is that irresponsible?

The problem with me being so busy is I start to neglect people. I haven't called my mom, shelby or Daniel since I've been back to Olympia, not because I don't want to talk to them, I just have been tremendously busy. I mean last night I went to a show, so I was having fun, but still. ps, the show was great, Paul Barribeau and Kickball. I also haven't hung out with people in such a long time. I haven't seen Riley on purpose (as in except on accidently running into him on campus) in a few weeks. I'll be better I promise. Don't lose hope!

I am listening to the Decemberists on vinyl. It is awesome, except Charlie's record player is all too fast so Colin Meloy's voice is a little too high pitched. I've almost gotten used it to, I think. Only two more months till the show. I haven't been like excited for some epic show in a long time. Most of the bands I listen to are local bands that play every other week, so every time I see them, although good, just isn't that excited. Like I would easily miss it if I had homework or felt tired or something. Not this show, not only did I pay 43 dollars 3 1/2 months in advance, but I plan on showing up disgustingly early and waiting in line so that I will definitely be in the very very front! Woot! It reminds me of being 15. Although I don't know if I've ever been to a show this big and been really into it, maybe Blink 182 when I was 13.

I have to go to work now.

Don't give up on me.

I'll shape up.

soon.

KAZBA!

2008-10-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

First Saturday Kazba of the year!
It was soo good. People were actually watching the bands and getting into it. I am feeling good about this. I am always so torn when I am in Edmonds. I love it so much and I know I am supposed to be here, but on the other hand I love Olympia, and I know I am supposed to be there. Wahhh, life is hard.

I think I might (actually) start a blog about faith. Hopefully, I am sure it would be more possible if my computer was fixed. but, for those who would give a damn, I'll keep you posted. I am reading Rob Bell's book, it is inspiring me.

My bus ride was made significantly shorter due to my lovely roommate Laurel who gave me a ride to Tacoma. It literally saved me like 45 minutes. It just seemed soo much shorter.

Now I am going to sleep.

very SADD

2008-10-02T17:55:00.000-07:00

Everyone wants me to vote. I don't really want to. This is usually how it goes, "YOU NEED TO VOTE, YOU NEED TO VOTE, OMG YOU ARE AMERICAN, VOTE VOTE VOTE!" When it actuality I believe they mean, "VOTE VOTE, YOU NEED TO VOTE FOR OBAMA, YOUR AMERICAN, VOTE FOR OBAMA, VOTE FOR OBAMA." Maybe not Charlie, I think he actually just wants me to vote, but everyone wants me to vote for their candidate. I don't know if thats the point.

Reasons why I am not voting:

1) To piss of my friends

2) In order to avoid supporting someone who I don't actually support

3) To protest the two party system

4) I don't want to make a decision that is uneducated, and it would be uneducated

5) I don't think it would make a huge difference, because Washington will go blue anyways

6) The Office was cancelled because of the Vice Presidential debate

So, whether or not my decision changes in the next few weeks is up to me, so stop trying to convince me otherwise. Ahh.

It rained today :(

Olympia is sad when it rains. Its very SADD

Sara Palin just said "Thats darn right" and "Joe Six Pack" during the debate. Joe Six Pack? What the fuck does that mean? Like a six pack of beer, or like ripped abs?

We decided to watch the debate on KCTS, their were many options. Okay, I've heard two "darns" so far.

I want to watch Twin Peaks, that seems much more relevant to my life.

"Raise Takis, oh I mean Taxes" - Biden

"I am not going to go off the questions the moderator asks" - Palin

Who killed Laura Palmer?

I doubt I am supposed to be blogging at work...

2008-10-01T09:38:00.001-07:00

I am at work right now. I am covering someones break at the front desk, so I get to play away on the internet for 15 minutes and answer some phones. So, I love my job and totally feel great whenever I am working, but I guess I am just tired of working in general (right, like day 3). I just want someone else to pay my rent and buy me food, is that too much to ask? I just want to worry about school, bible study, and the Kazba. A job just occupies so much damn time. I am totally aware that this whining is hella annoying, everyone has to work Tasha, GET OVER IT!

Class starts tomorrow. October 2nd is too late for classes to start. I already feel too busy and one aspect of college (like the most important part) has not even started yet. I don't know why I am so pissy, well probably because I had to wake up early and work. But, this will be a good day.

Bible Study tonight!!?!@$! I want to take a nap before bible study so that I can be super into it. Talk about counting your blessings, this school year is going to be so good. We got a lot of great strong leaders and a great vision. We are splitting the group into two, which will be kinda weird. Caleb, Laurel, David and I in one. Deanna, Anya, Gus and Rachel in the other. And then Large group on Sundays.

Kazba has got 3 bands
Bible Study has enough leaders
I got enough hours at work
Heck, I even have rent money

Life is looking pretty good.

ps. I want to be excited about life, not apathetic. I just decided I should tell everyone so that they can encourage me to stop wasting so much time be annoying.

Act a Fool

2008-09-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

Laurel has LimeWire, this is opening all new windows in my life.

The first thing I downloaded was Ludacris, what does that say?

I have been really into late 90s hip hop recently.

Maybe my sister Katrina has a lot to do with this.

I am going to Edmonds tomorrow.

Kazba adult staff training.

I keep blogging after long days where I am too tired to actually explain how my life is going.

Charlie is back. I feel like my house is complete. I have to get up early. More later.

This really isn't worth reading

2008-09-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

I got back from our Evergreen Jesus Folk leaders retreat today. It was definitely weird going to a retreat center with people from Evergreen. I have been to camps so similar in the past, many times. I guess the Evergreen Christian group has always done things so different than most other things I had been exposed to, mostly out of necessity. Last year our leaders retreat was for like a few hours and it was just a couple of us sitting in a living room. I feel like this year we actually have the opportunity to do things right. I am looking forward to having such a strong support of leaders.

The Office starts tomorrow. I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is, it really is. I love investing into TV shows, especially to the point where my mood is effected by what is happening in the show.

I am so tired, all I want is to watch Project Runway and go to sleep :(

maybe ice cream will be in my near future.

I am still waiting for my letter

2008-09-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

I get disappointed a lot. I hold people, events, locations, situations all to this high standard that often leaves me feeling empty or incomplete. Let me clarify that this isn't supposed to be an angst drenched blog because I am passive aggressively telling someone they have fucked up, because that isn't the case. I am actually very content with my current situation. Early today Laurel and I were talking about Christians and how a lot of churches are kind of lame to go to and I mentioned how I wanted to go to Grand Rapids, Michigan (which is the location of Mars Hill Bible Church where Rob Bell is the pastor, which in case you didn't know, I love Rob Bell and everything he touches and I am a little obsessed). I quickly retracted that thought, I said "Actually it would probably just be a big disappointment." I feel like thats what I have come to expect from my life. That band did eventual sell out, Haight and Ashbury was as just as commercial and uninspiring as everywhere else, the charming boy ended up just being an asshole, and the seemingly perfect situations have a sad ending. I feel like most happy endings have to evolve from tragic events. I want the story where someone expects something and then they receive that and keep on living their lives.

I mean, I get that struggle equals growth and that there is a lot of good in experiencing things that prove too difficult, but that must be different than just assuming things are going to suck. Why should I assume that going to Grand Rapids, Michigan to go to Rob Bell's church would be a big stinking disappointment? Maybe it is less about the actual result and more in how I tend to over romanticize. I think adventure is like this; we all seek some sort of life changing adventure that has romance and danger, but in the end we return to our cookie cutter life styles, just a little bit cooler. I watch movies and read stories and wish my life could be as magical and promising as the characters I relate with most. I am still waiting for my letter from Hogwarts.

Maybe fulfilling things don't happen in the climax of adventure. Maybe to truly have experiences that are life changing and fulfilling, we must change our minds about how we want our lives to change. I live my life with a certain idea of who I am and who I want to be, and I obviously make decisions that attempt to further my development in embodying the individual I seek to be, but deep down I think we all know who we want to be, which is remarkably different than who we think we should be.

I want to be hella punk. I want to be in a band and party all the time. I want people to look at me and envy the life I have. I want to go on tour and meet new people every night. I want to live a life free from stress and bills and obligations that weigh down the rest of America.

I know I don't actually want to live a life that consists of partying and being cool, because in the end their is no value in that. But, despite knowing what will make me truly happy, their is still apart of me that wants to be someone who I am not and should not be.

I want to go to Grand Rapids and meet Rob Bell and for him to think I am really cool. I want him to ask me to direct Nooma videos. I want to be intellectual and to know what everything means in Greek and Hebrew.

I want to be an artist.

I want to be a successfully small business owner.

I want to be a mother.

I want to be a pastor.

I want to inspire a generation to be punk rock!

I want to inspire a generation to reject gender roles.

I want to inspire a generation to live their lives for God.

I want to be more awesome than I am capable.

__________ I am afraid that, in the end, I will disappoint.

PORT to the Dot to the COM

2008-09-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

The beach cabin is kind of gloomy today. It is very grey. The beach cabin definitely shines when the weather is nice. I not looking forward to the winter. I don't know why, but winters seem sooo much worse in Olympia than it ever did in Edmonds. I am getting more and more realistic about school starting. I am not going to have any free time!

For my class this year I get to spend about 9 months working on a film. !!@!$#@! I have never spent more than 10 weeks on a single film. I am looking forward to the challenge I guess. I feel like this is going to be the single most serious thing I have ever done. I am not sure how much I want to take on. Last quarter I planned on making a video that was about 7 minutes long. Our faculty set a length limit to our projects, so no one was supposed to make a project that was longer than 10 minutes. I guess I felt like I had plenty of time and I could have easily make my piece longer. A lot of people in my class were super over ambitious and didn't even complete their projects. I definitely did not have that problem. I finished a week or so early, and I felt completely confident in what I produced. It became everything I wanted it to become.

I want to really use my time this year because I have so many resources at Evergreen that I will never have again. What I was thinking about making is a narrative film that is anywhere from 30-45 minutes. The only problem is that in order to make a narrative film I need actors. I need a group of people who can commit to a. not changing their appearances for 3 months b. acting in the film 15ish hours a week c. be flexibly and work around my difficult schedule d. doing all of this for free. Anyone out there!!

The biggest downside to film is that it is so collaborative. It is fine doing collaborative work when there is a large group of people who are just as committed as I am. Unfortunately it is hard to get people super committed to something when you have your own class and work and really busy college life.

If I had money I would pay people. At the NY film school the students learn theory for 3 years and then spend their senior year creating their masterpiece, but they don't have the technological background to run the cameras and lights and stuff, so they higher people to do all the technological aspects of film production (which is a pretty hugs part). My problem is that I have a hard time trusting anyone else. I want to run the cameras, do the lighting, do the editing, and every other aspect (except acting, or course).

wahhh. Art is hard.

So you know those freecreditreport.com commercials where the guy sings? I like them. F to the R to the E to the E and C to the R to the E, DIT to the R to the E to the PORT to the dot to the com, everyone grab your bike and sing along!!!

Quality.

I need to unpack and set up my room today. I am kind of sleeping in a closet, by that I quiet literally mean I am sleeping in a closet. I am so into it! I am thinking maybe some Christmas lights. I kind of decorate my room like a 15 year old. I mostly think this because I have been decorating my room the same since I was 15. I haven't really been able to make my space my own since I got fired last year. I hadn't lived somewhere for more than two months since then, which really isn't enough time to unpack, knowing I am just going to to pack everything up in a few weeks.

I want everyone in Edmonds to come a visit me!

TESC IS A FACIST STATE :(

2008-09-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from school. Aparently Greeners (allegedly) lit fire to some dumpsters and the shed near the Organic Farm. It seems as though they believe it was arson. What the hell is wrong with people. STOP VANDALIZING MY SCHOOL. No one is forcing you to attend this publiclly funded school, you choose to go here. If Evergreen is "the man" and that seems to distress you sooo much, than don't go to school here. I like Evergreen, that is why I choose to go here. Figure it out!

Follow Me!

2008-09-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

So, fellow bloggers I have an idea! Blogger has a new gadget that allows you to "follow" blogs, and you an also add the blog list gadget. I know this may seem like a more complicated version of just have a links page, but it is much cooler. I think it is worth the extra time to set it up. But, it will only be more cool if we all do it. Oh, and if you don't have a blog, just make one already. Join the revolution.

Oh and also, just because I am such a nerd, I have a twitter. Its like a micro blog. This is another example of something that would be much cooler if more people had it. so make one.

Oh, and follow me.

So I rode my bike a whole bunch yesterday, like probably 15 miles all together. I feel real good about it. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it, but I figure I need to get in shape for riding too and from school. But, I guess the part that bothers me is that I feel like most people didn't think I could handle being one of those people, the people who rides there bikes a lot. I feel like if people who were more athletic looking told everyone there were going to start riding their bikes to and from school, they would be alot more supportive. Well for those who doubt me, you can suck it! (ps. if you want to give me a ride ever, I am totally willing.)

I need to stock a new band. The Pharmacy is moving to LA. I have probably seen them more than 25 times and I would go extremely out of my way to attend as many shows as possible. But now there are moving on to bigger and better things (LA sucks!) and I have to also move on. I am thinking it will be a lot easier for me to stock an Olympian band because I live in Oly 9 months out of the year. I want a band that is dancy that I can sing along to, and obviously a smaller band so that I can afford to go to every show.

Any ideas?

Typical Olympia

2008-09-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

So I live in a vacation home. It is quite literally a family's place to go on vacation. I was just there for like the last five days, and I felt like I was on vacation. I haven't lived somewhere in a long time where I can entertain guests and hang out. I know my house is definitely going to be kind of a bummer when the rains come, but whatever, everywhere in Oly is crappy in the winter. I know this sounds hella braggy (huh, I doubt that is a word), but I never really lived in a nice house before, and I guess I am just excited to be the girl who lives in the waterfront beach cabin for once. I mean, I am definitely getting it for a steal, I'm only paying 310 a month to live there, cheaper than most apartments in the Glen, but still, it is an amazing house.

I took the bus home from Olympia to Edmonds today (actually from Tacome because Lauren is a badass and gave me a ride). The bus is an extremely intimate experiance I was noticing. For over an hour I was sitting so close to this lady that we were definitely like touching the entire ride. We didn't talk, well not really. She said this is my stop, and then I got up and let her off the bus. For an entire hour we sat in such close vicinty that I could practically feel her breathing, and yet we didn't even exchange names or small talk. I kind of hate the bus sometimes.

I want to get a tattoo soon, like real soon. That is important to me. Maybe it is too expensive. Maybe I don't care if it is too expensive, I haven't decided yet.

I went to a show in Olympia a couple nights ago. It was a pretty standard Oly show. It was in a basement, there was a lot of drinking, I knew, one way or another, like half the people there, and the Hail Seizures played. Very typical Olympia. I realized how much I miss shows and how important they are to me. I saw lots of bands, but I was especially into Chin up Meriwether. I feel like I could get really into them. I got the CD! A downside to my beach cabin is that it is real far from down town and it is totally scary to bike at night. I guess I'll be crashing at Matt Louv's and Amanda/Celena's place a lot (thats what you get when you live down town).

I want more Twin Peaks.

I am really saying nothing of value right now. I'm done.

religious cults, time travel, body snatching, and innappropriately timed puns

2008-09-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

So, many people in my life have heard me advacate for local music. Maybe sometimes this advocation has been somewhat elitist and judgemental toward people who tend to like more "mainstream" music. Well I do like big bands and I do like bands that are very local and do not have a very big fan base. I guess it comes down to the fact that it is just plain old cheaper to like smaller bands. Their merchandise is cheaper, their CDs are cheaper, and most importantly, their shows are cheaper. I have really bad priorities, so if a band I like is playing in town, I will do whatever I can in my power to go to the show. When I see local bands I have to pitch out like 5 bucks to indulge in several hours of music. When a bigger band I like a lot comes to town my wallet seems to get so much lighter, like last night when I dropped 43 dollars to see the Decemberists.

yep.

It better be pretty damn cool. I don't think I have ever spent this much to see a band before.

I am moving to Olympia soon. I don't know what soon means, but I am doing it. Life is in transition. I have recently had some time to reflect on the recent months in my life, which is something I haven't been able to do because I hadn't spent any quality time by myself in awhile. Well, I came to realize something interesting. All summer I have been striving for good solid community and friendships that will hold me up and help me live a better life. I have definitely been blessed in my life with amazing people, and I am so greatful. But anyways, I started involving myself with the Jeremiah Center in November of my junior year of high school. I would say for the first 4-5 months I really only went because I liked the people, it had nothing to do with God. In spring of my junior year I started to think more deeply about faith, at that point in my life I thought organized religion wasn't punk rock and that God was nothing more than a pretty good idea. Well I started to wonder what was so capitvating about God, and well I will spare you all the details about how I came to faith, but I started to love and follow God the summer between my junior and senior year. That next fall I was on the leadership team. Then I went to college, and although I wasn't a leader for our christian group, I was probably one of the most invested students (out of the three). I hosted bible study, I helped plan events, I took on the weight of alot of the aspects of bible study. My sophomore year of school I became a bible study leader. Now this most recent summer I was in intern at the Jeremiah Center.

For almost my entire faith life I have been in leadership positions. I like being a leader, and I think I am kind of good at it, but I think I am ready to be lead for awhile.

There is this show I like, its called the 4400. It is hella nerdy. It is about all these people who have been abducted over the last 60 years and then all of a sudden in a big ball of light they are returned, each them hasn't aged a day. Some start to develop abilities (like X-men style). Well this show is full of exacting antics including religious cults, time travel, body snatching, and innappropriately timed puns usually about horrific things like death of loss. Its a great show. Well anyways, there are lik 4 seasons and I had only seen the first two. My family bought the third and fourth season so over the last couple days I had watched the entirety if the series. I get to the last episode of the last season and the end the series on a huge cliff hanger. !!??!?!?#?%?(*!*!!, I went to the website and it turns out that the show had at least to more seasons planned out, but was canceled because the writers strike was too financially burdensome and it was getting good enough ratings.

Dumb.

This is the first time I have felt personally effected by the writers strike.

They better make a movie.

Why aren't you in Denver?

2008-08-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

How long can I avoid cleaning out my desk?

I'm going to Olympia this weekend. I haven't been there in a long time. I don't think I have gone this long without stepping foot in Olympia since my first day of school. It isn't that I haven't wanted to go at all this summer, mostly it was due to a total lack of time. I haven't even gone camping this summer (except for work). It will be interesting to take a short break from this place. I think it will put things in perspective. I am really excited to be in Olympia for the weekend, I feel like a huge part of who I am resides in the boundaries of Oly and I need to reconnect with that.

So, when I am in Olympia my late night heart can only go to one establishment, and that is the Reef. But unfortunately when I am in Edmonds I can not go to the Reef, and the options are limited. There is no cool, independently owned alternative for me to enjoy late night coffee. Really my only two options are Shari's and Denny's. I really think both have there ups and downs, but for some reason everyone in Edmonds much prefers going to Sharis, like its classy or something, so I haven't been to Denny's too much this summer. Toward the end of the school year after a camping trip, a few of us ate at Denny's and saw (a somewhat pathetic) attempt to cater to a younger, hipper crowd. I saw the first attempts at a late night menu, which included food like Potachos (which are nachos with potato chips). But you know, I gave them cred for trying. The advertising for this late night Denny's look was also kind of laughable. The slogan was "Nothing exciting happens after midnight, except Denny's" and the color scheme was very youthful and edgy. Well anyways, the thoughts of late night Denny's and Potachos had pretty much escaped me, when I ran across some interesting article on the internet. Denny's has a new Rockstar Menu which includes dishes that were designed by different bands. And not only were they inspired by mediocre pop punk bands whose fan base is made up 13 year old girls who read teen bop, but the menu items are referred to as Taking Back Bacon Burger Fries (Taking Back Sunday), Plain White shake (Plain White T's), and the All American SOS (The All American Rejects). I thought Denny's had used all of its pun creativity when naming "Moons over my Hammy". And that isn't even the bulk of all the edgy changes Denny's is making. They are playing "cool" music at the night time, and the waiters are going to be wearing jeans and t shirts.

Denny's is hella PR
I think my mom is right, we are in end times.

So apparently my mom is the new hard hitting political investigator. She works at the QFC in Edmonds and Maria Cantwell came into the store yesterday, which isn't a big deal, she shops there all the time. Well anyways my mom and Maria were talking, like they do often because they have a somewhat familiar relationship. Anyways as my mom was recounting this story to me tells me that she asks Maria Cantwell "So why aren't you in Denver?" Maria answers "I was, I got in today, I just prefer to watch it on TV." My mom asks the hard questions. Her words, not mine.

No seriously its this big...

2008-08-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

Today that huge ass fish was caught using that barbie brand fishing rod.

That cat fish is record breaking.

Have any of you caught a fish this big?

I didn't think so Matt Louv.

"So here is a picture I drew!"

2008-08-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today was the last Kazba of summer 2008. Something I've thought about over the last couple weeks is how to say good bye. When I was younger, like in high school, I was all about the hella sentimental good byes. I was generally really effected when each intern no longer was employed by the Jeremiah Center and they were no longer a major part of my everyday life. When I was younger I really struggled with these individuals who, seemingly effortlessly, could detach from a community that they had invested themselves into for three months. I was so influenced by there presence at the JC I assumed they would need some dramatic send off.

What I've learned is that unfortunetly it is much easier for a college student to say good bye. We've had to so many times. At 18 years of age I had to say good bye to everyone whom I loved and cared about and I uprooted my entire life and moved to an unfamiliar place. I was a lucky college student because I only moved an hour and a half away. College students are currently moving and saying good bye. It becomes such a way of life. For those readers out there who I go to college with, remember after Freshmen year how big of a deal moving back home was. We were all so unsettled by the fact we were leaving the communities we had been apart of for 9 months, but by the time Sophomore year came around, we were like "Whatever, I'll see ya in a couple months." We have become numb to the pain of leaving our established communities, (or maybe we have become more realistic about it not being that big of a deal). So past college student interns aren't huge ass holes who only pretended to love the kids they served, they have just had a lot of practice. We've had to say good bye to so many different communities in our short lifes, that saying good bye one more time is a part of the ruitine. It's a little different for me, because I am not really leaving. I am going to continue to volunteer at the Kazba while I reside in Olympia. My fellow intern Eric doesn't have that oppertunity, he lives in minnesota during the school year. He can't come back as easily as I can.

How do I make it clear that I have learned so much and experianced so many great things during my internship. How do I make it clear that I have had a life changing summer and I will never forget the amazing people who make up the patrons and staff of the Jeremiah Center. I don't know how to make that clear.

When Chris and Gina moved I had a similar experience. When I found out they were moving to Kentucky I didn't know how to react. They were both a huge part of my life and have influenced who I am today. I wasn't angry (like some). I just didn't know how to react. After I finally talked to them, I thought about making them something or doing some sort of good bye present, and well everything I thought of just seemed so trivial. "Hey you are really important to who I am today and now your leaving so I thought I would give you something to symbolize how important you are to me, so here is a picture I drew!" Everything seemed insignifcant and almost offensive to their memory.

I want people to know I am going to miss them and that they are important. I just have to say that so often these days, its starting to wear on me. I guess I should (and need to) look at this predictament as a great thing. Not everyone gets the oppertunity to have such different and diverse communities to love and to identitfy with.

I just wish Edmonds and Olympia weren't so damn far away.

I am thinking about starting a new blog. I mean, still being a loyal blog poster here on "I never knew a revolutionary who was afraid to dance" But also commiting to another. I am really good at over commiting myself, so my not. I want to start a Blog about Faith and God and all the things I think about and wrestle with in regards to this extremely important part of my life. Alot of this includes that, and it will continue to because this blog is about my life and well Jesus is apart of my life. I haven't decided yet if I want to do it. Daniel thinks I should call it my "God Blog."

I'll keep brainstorming a name!

Remain in Limbo

2008-08-14T01:32:00.000-07:00

Temporary

This is a word I've been using recently to describe my life. I am sure every college student can use this word. That is just part of the whole college experience. Lets look over some numbers, just so we can see just how damn temporary my life has been.

I moved to the Evergreen State College, into room A418
I became an RA and moved into B building
I moved home for the summer into the house on 220th
We got evicted, I moved into an apartment with my mommy
I moved back to school, C building
I got fired from that RA job and moved into an apartment with Nathan
(I won't even count the time I spent without home)
I moved in with my sister for the summer
we got evicted, I moved in with my mom
In a month I m moving back to Olympia

In the last two years I have lived in 8 places, it will be 9 here real soon. I have also had four different jobs. My life has been unpredictable to say the least.

It's hard investing into situations that are temporary. Why decorate your room when your only living somewhere for 8 weeks? I have really struggled with how to deal with the temporary. A simple answer (which I have greatly considered) is cutting out one of the two pulling forces in my life. I am constantly living in this limbo between Olympia and Edmonds. I cannot completely invest in one until I can let go of the other. When I was at school I thought that after this summer I would never come back to Edmonds long term. I would stake permenant residency in Olympia. During internship I greatly considered not returning to school and continuing to invest in this community. What I have come to realize is that I am not ready to let go of either community. I need to finish school and I am so excited about the people I will be in community with next year at school, I also can not deny a community that has made me who I am today. The Jeremiah Center is a community I love and cannot live without.

What does this mean?______________________
__________________________More temporary.

Last week at Salt and Light: Sunday Night we studied the passage that basically says; do not store up treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal. But store up your treasures in Heaven where moth and rust do not detroy and where theives do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is your heart will be also. As usual I didn't prepare a ton for this bible study. But as I was leading I had one of those Aha! moments that are so revered. Treasures on earth are destroyed by moths and rust and get stolen by thieves. Treasures on earth are easily taken away. Treasures on earth are temporary. This constant struggle with being temporary will continue to make me question my call and rediscover where God wants me to be. If my treasures are not temporary, than my heart will also not be temporary. Maybe I can love two communities that are a hundred miles apart.

How can I make lasting treasures, treasures that are stored in Heaven. I need to invest in the lasting. I need to stake my identity in the acountable. I need to give my heart to the permenant. I have been blessed with two, very different, communities. I want to love and serve them both.

I need to remain in Limbo__________________
______________________for at least a little bit longer.

All they need is a shower and I could move in...

2008-08-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

My life has been the Jeremiah Center for the last two months. This statement is not made out of spite or disappointment. If anything it is said out of joy! but nonetheless, I live and breath the Jeremiah Center. I know that in a few short weeks I am not going to be able to live and breath JC anymore. I am going to move to Olympia, go to school full time, and work part time, so I will obviously be preoccupied. I still plan on remaining invested in this community when I can. I just realized how weird it is going to be not to be at the JC all the time. I can probably count the days on one hand this entire summer that I haven't either been at the Jeremiah Center or somewhere else with a group from the Jeremiah Center on a trip.

I don't know if I am ready to be done.

I'm gonna lose... MY FREAKING MIND!

2008-08-07T23:09:00.001-07:00

I got punked.

I walk into my office today and in the middle of the coffee table is a plate of Jello, and in the middle was the Harry Potter action figure I keep on my desk.

Next to it was a note saying "Jim tried playing a joke on you. He failed!
-Dwight aka Chris 3000

I am still not sure who the culprit was.
I can obviously expect Chris due the the incriminating note, but I have reason to believe it was someone else.

Never the less, it was the best way to start the work day ever.

While learning life is strange and people change and circle round again

2008-08-06T03:50:00.000-07:00

I saw Pinneapple Express 4 hours ago. It was definitely a weird midnight showing, it seemed as though everyone was drunk or high who was at the theatre. People were laughing at all the wrong jokes. Whenever there was a blatant marijuana reference or someone got hit in the balls, everyone would be rolling with laughter, but whenever the characters where engaging in awkard, Apatow-esque banter, the crowd remained silent. I felt as though the movie was funny and enjoyable, but definitely didn't blow me away. As my friend Eric mentioned, whenever they was an empty moment they just added immature physical humor. "Blah haha ha, he just got hit in the head with something blunt!!" It followed a similar pattern as Super Bad, two friends are forced to realize how much they mean to each other through an epic journey, and at one point the friends are seperated and one of them must make the decision to put themselves on the line to help there platonic soul mates. The relationship between Seth Rogan's character and his girlfriend is pretty funny in this film because all in all it meant nothing, which I appreciated.

No stunning previews before the movie :(
The Dark Knight was better.

Today was rather drama filled. Luckilty I was generally removed from the specific things that went down, but none the less, it put a damper on my day. Imagine a world were everyone could be completely honst about their feelings and straight forard about their intentions. So much of being a human is using all aspects of who we are to manipulate the people around us. Why do subtlies tell our stories? I want to shout my story! Oh, and for anyone interested. Some may view the way in which I interact with the people in my life as fake or an attempt to fulfill my duties as an intern, and to some extent I do believe you need to set stricter boundaries for young people than adults, but let it be known that I act different because I am a changed person. Obviously I've grown and matured in my two years of college, and I can look back at my behavior as a high school student and reflect on the negativety. As I live and work in the Christian community associated with the Jeremiah Center, I hope to model a way of life, that through experiance, I believe glorify God. It is evident I am far from perfection and I never want to give the impression that I am without lust, selfishness, bitterness, and sin, but I will only encourage healthy lifestyles in this community. I would hope that a Christian community could be drenched with accountability and honesty, and I hope that as I fuck up (because I will) my community holds me to my actions. I don't slam down the iron fist because I'm an intern, I do it because I hold the Jeremiah Center community to a high standard that reflects God's love.

SLT retreat is this weekend and I am excited to see the future leaders of the Parish. I hope to love them and grow along side them (as much as possible from Olympia). But I am sure not going to lower my standards and expetations.

Be the leaders you are capable of being!!
The leaders God created you to be!!

Amen

Angel, won't you call me?

2008-08-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

Hair cuts and high fives.

I played frisbee late last night with a light up disk. It was pretty amazing. It made me reminiscent of poor attempts at playing badminton in the dark. I had a glow in the dark frisbee, it really didn't work very well.

Daniel got me the Decemberists 5 songs EP, I am digging it.

apologies for hella emo blog posts. We all just need to whine sometimes!

...

2008-07-31T18:54:00.001-07:00

Nothing is as it appears.

Seemingly perfect situations always disappoint.
People will always be human.

I guess the honeymoon stage is over.
I hope its not to late to wake up and face reality.

yep

2008-07-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

So for those who don't know, I work at a youth center. This job includes putting on events for high schoolers. Now lets think about some of the worst things that can happen while putting on events for minors. Hum, well you could write down the wrong place and address on every flier, or you could take the bus with the kiddies and get them completely lost because you got on the wrong bus, or the best, someone could seriously injure themselves, like a broken foot.

Well so far an event I've put on has included all of these!!

Why the hell have I not been fired yet?

please don't disappoint

2008-07-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

I guess it would only make sense that as I am changing rapidly through experiences and age, people who live an hour and a half north of me also go through similar changes. I guess the awkward part is when these two entities, who were once very familiar with each other grow and change completely separate from each other, then reunite. I once knew you and you once knew me. We can't understand the difference and are offended by it. "Well I am allowed to change and be different, but familiarity is comfortable, so please don't disappoint."

I am living in the past. But not an accurate representation of similar situations that have already come to pass, but a diluted sugar coated existence where I am wrongly remembering "the good ole days". Things have changed and I've changed. Of course I've changed. If I spent 2 years at college and didn't change, well that would be a waste.

Those who were once peers, are now proving less and less that they are up to the challenge. Maybe it was always tainted. Maybe I've been given eyes to see past high school bull shit. I hope so. It seems as though each community requires 100% of me and I don't have that to offer. I think I am being asked to sacrifice. I can't give myself fully to both so I must choose. Both need someone to commit to years of servitude and my specific gifts will come in handy with each.

Challenging the status quo is hard and I feel like I'm neglecting the inevitable.

Familiarity is comforting. That's why decisions are sometimes hard to make. I don't want to ignore a call because I'm afraid of what I'll hear. On the other hand, things can looking tempting from certain angles, yet reveal itself fully later on.

I have been in Olympia too long

2008-07-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

Is Charlie right?

(well thats obviously not possible)

Is Edmonds a dangerous crime ridden city?

I always felt so sheltered growing up here. Like that the big city is miles away and I am stuck in a suburban bubble. I laughed at the notion that Edmonds was a dangerous community where you needed to lock the doors at night. I thought I was immortal in this town. But being in Olympia for so long has allowed me to be removed from this community and now I am more accurately able to reflect on it. So maybe it isn't normal to see people doing drug deals, maybe it isn't normal for most of the people I know to have warrants, maybe it isn't normal for the cops to visit my home once a week, maybe it isn't normal to live just blocks away from the hooker motels, and maybe its totally more interesting not to be normal.

So I might be in a little more "danger" than residents of La Conner, but my eventual goal is to leave the suburbs and stake my residency in the big city. I guess I can just consider all of this practice. And besides, a little edge is hella punk rock, which of course is always my goal.

I guess the weird thing about Edmonds is that although alot of citizens of this fine city are very familiar with "big city ways," I feel like about half are ridiculously sheltered. I mean it is almost a different experiance growing up a few blocks west of Highay 99, than it is living in downtown Edmonds.

Today is the birthday of this wonderful country.

meh.

I went to a Mariners game last night, it was pretty awesome. I mean the Mariners totally lost, which is lame, but this season I really wouldn't expect anything more. I saw this band LP and the BB and one of the guys has a kingdome tattoo. Badass. I want to get an oldschool Mariners hat, like blue and yellow one with the upside down trident.

Oh, I've been playing lots of fooseball. I love it!

cars are for earth killers and bikes are for posers!

2008-06-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

So I am two weeks into my internship at the Jeremiah Center, and it is going amazing! I have an office, which is rad. I haven't been doing much of anything else. Some cool things I get to be apart of this summer include but not limited to: ultimate frisbee, bible study, weekday kazbas, VBS, yuck night, super heros vs super villans, and much much more! The one down side to this job is that it kind of sucks away my social life, which is okay, because I don't have much of a social life to begin with. Its pretty weird not being in Olympia. Although it is awesome being just a short(er) bus ride from Seattle.

I want to go to What The Heck Fest this summer, but it isn't looking too good. Heck Fest is the weekend before VBS, which is looking like the busiest week of the summer. And well, I have a lot to prepare and need to be back early-ish on Sunday. I discovered last year while busing to and from Anacortes, it is impossible to bus out of Anacortes on a Sunday. Maybe if I could get a ride to Mount Vernon, it is a possibility. Well hopefully I can figure it out. So if anyone wants to go to Heck Fest this summer, lets do it!! I am probably going to get my ticket soon.

Oh and in other good news. I am riding my bike all over the place now. It is awesome that riding my bike comes with this false sense of superiority over my fellow man. (I mean man as in people, not like the sex man. I know this is pretty sexist but I decided that fellow man sounded better than fellow person, so suck it!) But really I feel so superior now, like I am going to save the planet and all you car drives are causing the demise of the planet. I feel as though I am single handedly solving global warming. Oh and I feel hella punk rock. No, I am serious, ride a bike. And not cause its better for the earth or better for your health, but because it allows you to be an elitist ass hole. Great feeling! I understand you Olympia! I finally understand. (By the way, if you have a car I will still thankfully accept rides anywhere because riding a bike is fucking tiring, oh and if anyone wants to give me a car and pay for my gas I'll ditch this fucking bike in a second.)

Go Critical Mass!! Woot!

Back in Edmonds

2008-06-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

Summer Goals:

Ride my bike
Accomplish all my work goals
Live cheaply and save up for next year
Do lots of arts and crafts
Reconnect with old friends
Spend more time with my family

I have commited to blogging again, although I don't have internet where I am living, I can figure it out. I am currently living with my sister Katrina, her boyfriend Ryan, and their friend Henry. I kind of feel like I am in a sitcom because of the different personalities living in and visiting our tiny apartment. Katrina and I are so different as it is. It should be a fun little experiment.

I started working at the Jeremiah Center. I have only worked for the past to days, but I am already really excited about it. The people I am working with are really encourging me to take a lot of leadership and to plan and live out my on goals for this summer.

I am still feeling a little awkward. Awkward at my apartment, and awkward at my job. I just need to get settled and figure out the flow of this summer. I already miss my Olympia friends. It is wierd for them not to be a block a way. Well my life is currently uninteresting, but the future looks bright!

I want to stencil right now.

its a sad sad truth

2008-05-22T15:44:00.001-07:00

I know it has been a long time since I have blogged. I guess it is probably because I don't have the internet anymore. I am not in the business of lying to my beloved blog readers. I am probably not going to post much more until summer. But this summer, I can promise, will be full of amazing blog posts. Maybe even pictures!

Until then.

Good Bye!

Someone skins you and makes a jacket from your flesh

2008-04-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

11 days,

I don't think I have gone 11 days without blogging since I started.
This should be some insight into what my last 4 days were like.

We finally got the apartment today, after nearly a week of homelessness, we got the damn apartment. We are kind of moving in. I mean we moved a couple things over, but really, we haven't done much. I should get on that soon.

I went to La Conner, WA this weekend to hang out with Charlie and his family. It was a lot of fun. When you meet a kid like Charlie, you assume he is this black sheep in some uppity family. Like he is so weird and obnoxious (I mean this in the best way possible) in an attempt to rebel against the calm and normal nature of the environment around him. This is a very untrue assumption. Everything about La Conner is just kind of off in a really intentional way. It is this quirky small town that just seems to fit him perfectly. And his family is no exception. His family all looks alike and have very similar mannerisms. It is absolutely funny how much Charlie fits into this quirky little bubble.

Nathan and I, on the other hand, didn't fit in so well. Charlie may be completely irrationally afraid of cities and roads that have more than two lanes, but La Conner resonates with all my completely logical fears of open spaces and lack of lights and people. On Friday night we wondered around the .5 miles of La Conner, and it was just creepy. At any moment, some deranged hick could decide he doesn't like "city folk" and jump out of the bushes and kill me. I made the point to Charlie and Nathan that, although in cities you get shot or maybe stabbed, but in small towns, someone skins you and makes a jacket from your flesh. Oh and the crazy serial killer is always the sheriff or something similar. I don't need this kind of pressure.

We also hung out in Anacortes for a long time. The backporch Cafe is closed. This was very bad news for me. Oh and Anacortes doesn't know ho to make a crossword puzzle for shit.

Bible study is going good. A lot of people showed up on Monday, it was awesome.

I heard some bad news. Some good friends and mentors are moving away in a few months. Its weird to calculate how much certain individuals effect you and your development, and without probably even realizing that they are making an impact. Well you will be missed and you ill not go unappreciated.

I led the Net a couple weeks ago. I think I did alright, it was definitely a lot harder than I thought it would be. A good learning experience if anything. It is something that I want to do again in the future. I am so excited about working at the Jeremiah Center this summer, it should be so much fun.

I probably should get back to moving. I have a lot to get done tonight, and all I want to do is sleep!

I got the Rob Bell DVD "Everything is Spiritual," I am pumped!

... until next time.

The worlds most intimidating critics... 1 yr olds

2008-04-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

I started the new job this week. I am working at the child care center. It is awesome! At first I was super intimidated, but now it feels like such a great fit. The first day I was working with the ducklings, also known as the 1-2 year olds. They are a tough age, any younger than that and they just cry and poop, anyone older has a better grasp on communicating and it is much easier to play and whatnot. The one year olds pose the challenge of needed to be interacted with, but struggling to communicate how they want that interaction to look like. Ya look at them and say "HEY! WANNA PLAY BALL?!?!?!" They just look at you and stare, stare and look away. So awkward. Rejected. Within the first few hours on the job, I was interacting and playing with the kids. They fricking loved me. Today I was working with the baby babies. They intimidate me the most. So fragile. I am afraid of breaking them.

I also have been waking up really early, LAME!

Its kind of nice. Several people at my job have commented on good with kids I am. It feels nice to know I can do something right. The whole getting fired thing did wonders for the self esteem.

I am tired and have to move out tonight with no where to go.

Could maybe a nap be in order?

Only fools are positive...

2008-04-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

First day of class.

I really enjoy my program and I am so excited about what I am going to be doing this quarter, but I am kind of jealous of people who are in new classes this quarter. It is so exciting, meeting new facility and new classmates. Today we just discussed briefly the schedule for this quarter and then we jumped right into watching animation and boring technology lectures.

I have a goal for this quarter. I want to be on time and show up every day. For some, this may seem like an easily obtainable goal, but it will definitely present a challenge for me. Last quarter I was late, a lot. And I had quite a few absences. No more! I am going to take school more seriously now.

In other news, I want to move mountains, or more like I want to believe God can move mountains. I want to read more of the bible. I want to pray more. I'll keep ya updated.

I bought this wooden owl from Goodwill. I like it a lot. I am not sure why I am mentioning it right now, I got it like two weeks ago.

I got a job at the Phonathon. I'm currently working 12 hours a week at the phonathon and 5 hours a week at the child care center. I start tomorrow. I am kind of dreading this having a job thing. I have never had a real job before. I have never balanced scheduled work and school, or balanced scheduled work and anything. Mervyns barely counts. The first week they scheduled me more than 15 hours I quit. Stupid job. But now I work at the Phonathon, so I definitely escaped the "stupid job" bullet. Yep, my future is bright.

new job, new home, new quarter

Its kind of like I am almost, maybe, similar to an adult.
:(

Mother Unit, What is Love?

2008-03-30T02:46:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Olympia.
It has been nice being able to sleep in my own bed and have all my things. And of course it is nice seeing all my friends here, but I do miss my family. When I am in Edmonds for the weekend, I always feel so rushed and I barely have enough time for anyone. Over spring break I had so much spare time, I really felt able to relax and hang out with my sisters and mom.

Last night I went to a show downtown. it was really energetic and crowded, especially for Olympia. I was into it. Only a few more days till I get to move off campus forever. Woot! It is kind of weird to not be aloud to live here ever again. I mean I probably wouldn't purely because it is more expensive. But I mean, housing is a community I have been extremely involved with for the last year and a half. It kind of sucks knowing that I can no longer ever be apart of something that I am so invested in.

Oh well. The Glen is my new home. Expect updates on house warming party. Oh and Our house blog will be up and running soon enough.

Now it is time to watch 30Rock.

yeah!

2008-03-27T16:52:00.000-07:00

My Mommy and I saw 10,000 B.C. today. Hmmm, how do I describe this movie. In one word... Awesome!! You have the Evergreener (dreadlocks and blue eyes) battling the Egyptian empire. So you know how everyone wonders how they built the pyramids, or at least were amazed at how they could move such huge rocks. Well apparently they used woolly mammoths. A weird thing about the movie is that they were kicking it in Ancient Egypt, whilst they were building the pyramids. And one could conclude that the movie took place in 10,000 B.C., and I believe the pyramids were not built until much later.

I would say the best part of the movie was when there was a saber tooth tiger stuck in this hole and it was drowning. The main character was about to kill him. I whipser to my mom, "if he befriends the saber tooth tiger I'm leaving." Within seconds you se the main character fel bad for the tiger and he says to him, "if I save you, you can't kill me" What the hell.

I don't think it was as good as A Day After Tomorrow.

We were two of seven people in the theatre.

meh, life is hard.

2008-03-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Spring break!

Last year I took a train with some of my best friends to San Francisco. It was an adventure. We rode on a train for 25 hours and navigated a city non of us had ever been to before.

This year I have spent most of spring break laying around my mom's apartment watching TV and feeling sorry for myself. It was definitely less exciting than last year. I keep on thinking things are going to get better tomorrow. "Once winter quarter is over, everything will be better" "Once I am not an RA, everything will be better" "Once I change variable X everything will be better." Maybe things aren't just going to get better. Maybe time isn't enough to make positive change. I want this quarter to be better than the last. I want my life to be better. I want to be happier, more productive, more honest. What can I do to make this change. I always feel like I am in this transition. College is just preparing me for the next step. But maybe I shouldn't keep settling, because I am constantly holding out for the next step. I want things to be better an more fulfilling now.

meh, life is hard.

Elizabeth Perkins, I bet she flipped the cop car.

2008-03-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

I've been in Edmonds for a couple days now. When I am staying with my mommy in Edmonds, I watch a lot of TV. In olympia, I never watch TV. This is probably because I don't have one. My family has digital cable, so we have tons of channels. I have been watching a lot of TV on a lot of channels.

Shelby and I watched the movie Big starring the wonderful and talente Tom Hanks. This movie is seeminlgy innocent and a cute story about always being a kid at heart and cherishing your youth. I've probably seen this movie a dozen times over my life time, never really gave it a second thought. Re watching it just yesterday has displayed how horrific this boys journey into temporary adulthood really is. First of all, the way they get by this boy being away from his family for so long, is they convince his mother that he was kidnapped. WHAT THE FUCK!! This poor mother is left in near ruins for months while fucking Tom Hanks plays around on keybpards you can dance on. This movie could have taken a whole other route. This lady having to stay strong and pull herself together while her son is out of reach and potentionally being molested and brainwashed (I mean, what would you assume would be happening to your kid). And then Tom Hanksy just wonders on back home. There would be no "happily ever after," they would call the police and try to find the guy who kidnapped her son, then he would be taken to a doctor and a psychiatrist to make sure he isn't totally fucked up. The mother would probably be permenantly scarred by the fear of losing her son that she would be horribly over protective until she drove herself into early dementia.

On another note, what about Tom Hanks himself? Everyone watching this movie quickly falls in love with his naive and childlike reaction to all these silly adult situations he is thrown into. One of his coworkers. played by Elizabeth Perkins, becomes taken by his honest and mysterious nature. She tries to sleep over and Tom, silly as he is, thinks there havign a "sleep over!@!@#!". After a few weeks of this innocent dating, They have sex! Tom hanks may have the boy of a 40 year old, but he is mentally a 13 year old. 13 years old!!!! Some may find this to be a fine age to be ushered into adult hood by the act of sexual intercourse, but old fashioned Tasha finds this to be absolutely wrong. Elizabeth steals the virginity of the naive Tommy Hanks. And after she learns the truth about his age, and sees him transform back into a prepubesent child, she tells him to keep her number and to call her in ten years.

Alright, lets try and enter the mind of Elizabeth. You have just found out that the guy you have been sleeping with is actually a 13 year old you got transformed into an adult by a carnival-esque coin machine that granted wishes. Would your first reaction be, when will he be old enough to bone again? NO! you think, I am a fucking monster. I should go to jail, what a horrible mistake. How can I wash my hands clean of this?

You know, if her reaction was to kill Tom bcause of the overwhelming guilt she should have felt, well I would have been okay with that reaction. That makes more sense than "Call me in ten years."

My mommy told me I wasn't getting an Easter basket this year. Unlike most of my friends, I made sure to be with my fmily on this holiday. But I don't get a fricking basket. She told me if I wanted to get candy, I needed to participate in the Easter egg hunt. I warned her that if that was the case, I was going to be ruthless. The aster edd hunt begins and I am fucking rocking. No one explained any rules to hunting eggs other than, GET EGGS!! So you know what, I might have knocked over kids smaller than me to get an egg. I may have stolen 4 eggs out of a two year olds basket when she wasn't looking. I may have cheated when the eggs were being hid by peaking.
I don't feel bad. I am a pirate. Oh and guess who won? ... Me! Thats right, me! I fouind more eggs than any of thos little kids. Maybe next year the Easter bunny won't be so cheap and will fork out a basket for me.

Spring Break!!

2008-03-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

When you think of spring break, you usually imagine a bunch of drunk college kids having bonfires on sunny warm beaches and girls taking their tops off for video cameras. Spring break in Olympia, Washington isn't nearly as drunk, naked, or warm as the previously described spring break fantasy. Our campus is rainy, cold, and saddest of all, completely desolate and empty. It is the Friday of eval week, a day away from spring break, and I am still on campus. I could have left by Wednesday, but I wanted to stay and figure out my job situation.

Charlie and Riley left this morning to go hiking. I am kind of jealous. I really wanted to go, it just wanted financially feasible at this juncture of my life. In a week and a half I get my fine aid check, and it will be smooth sailing. I usually don't make very large purchases, instead I slowly waste all of my money on CDs and Reef trips. I am thinking of investing in a nice hiking backpack. I don't really need one, but it would be a good investment.

I want to go in the woods, be at one with nature. Poop in a hole.

This blog post is particularly random and pointless.
I apologize if you read it.

Can you live primarily off eggs and grilled cheese?

2008-03-19T18:31:00.001-07:00

We cooked in my dorm room tonight. It was a feast. We had eggs, bacon, grilled cheese, and chili. I feel like such an adult. I usually just swipe my card and eat at the Greenery. As much as I have been living "on my own" for a year and a half, living in housing is so structured and there is so much security. I have always had someone telling when to eat and when to clean (well mostly Jai cleaned for me). I am excited about the prospects of failing. If I don't get a job, I will fail. If I don't find an apartment, I have no where to live. If I don't pay the bills, I won't have the necessities of life. Sometimes I need to be pushed to the edge to even realize I am on a cliff. I don't do well without borders. I go to a school that really encourages independent learning and people taking care of themselves. I have never had to take care of myself. Now that I am really going to be living on my own, for real, I am going to have to get things in order.

I might fail.
but maybe that is okay.

Welcome to Fuck Mountain

2008-03-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

I'm back!

My computer has been out of commission since Tuesday and my blog readers are really the victims of this tragedy. Well lets see, life has been good. Tomorrow is my Eval. I am almost done with this horrible quarter. I did poorly in class, isolated a lot of friends with my flakyness, and did my job so bad I got fired. I am ready to move on and look forward to a lot of changes in my life in the next few weeks.

Last Thursday at 7pm marked the beginning of our 26 hour pray room. This is where we take shifts in the prayer room, so that we have at least 2 people in the room at all times. Our group on campus is pretty small, so this was a daunting task. I alone had signed up to pray for 8 hours. We transformed my room by taking down all my posters and hiding all my belongs, and replacing them with mood creating devices, like candles and stuff. I was really stressed out at first, We were running late and a lot of other pressures from life were weighing on me. Once we finally get started and everything is going, it was a little awkward at first. I don't think any of us really knew what to expect. Over the next 26 hours I got to experience so much time with God. I was dreading the 8 hour obligation I had agreed to, but I probably spent nearly 17 hours in the prayer room. I just didn't want to leave, I forced myself to go to bed and to class. It wasn't boring or dreadful at all, it was calming and exciting all at the same time. I just felt so at peace with myself and the world around me. I got to experience God through talking, singing, writing, painting, listening, and reading. It was just a wonderful reminder that God is great and I should want to spend time with him always. Even since Friday when we finished I have barely spent time in pray. I really want to set a schedule so that I can hold myself accountable. I want to devout all aspects of who I am to living for God. I want to constantly be excited in his word. I hope that next quarter, with less stress from school, I will be able to live my life more intentionally.

In other news, I am preparing for next quarter! I am job hunting and figuring out my living situation. Nathan moved into my dorm on Saturday. It has been fun. Carley, Nathan, and I watched Arrested Development last night till we all fell asleep. On April 4th we move into our new apartment. We found someone to rent out the 2nd bedroom, her name is Ashley. She seems really nice and I am excited about living with her. I might get a couch. yes!

I am ready for a better, happier, healthier, more proactive life. As much as it sucks to get fired, I think it lead to a lot of distress, so I am excited about new opportunities and new adventures. So you know how it kind of sucks when several people live together, so you are not sure what to call it. Do you say, "I am going over to Nathan's house" or do you say "I am going over to Tasha's house"? We want to avoid this potentially awkward moment at ALL COSTS!! So we decided to name our apartment. So now you can say "I'm going to Fuck Mountain!!" We also are thinking of starting a house blog. So I'll keep you posted on that news. We'll probably have some sort of house warming party.

YEAH!

No more.

2008-03-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, today was a good day!

I applied for an apartment at the Glen, and the lady said as long as I pass a background check I am in. Apt # 164, my new home. I am getting more and more excited about getting fired. I am going to have my own apartment and pay rent like a real adult. Jai said she will teach me to cook. I already know how to cook an egg. I could live off pacmans. I just want this quarter to be over. I want a fresh start. I kind of screwed up life this quarter and I am ready for it to be behind me. I am afraid I might loose credit, if so I am just going to have to deal.

My life has a weird way of just working out, against all odds. I always get a break and too many second chances. I almost failed an essential class my senior year of high school. My teacher found out I was a Christian and I magically went from having 30% to 60.5%, just enough to pass. I barely registered for college, it wasn't until Kayci's mom sat me down at a computer and made me register that I actually sent my application. For college, I sent in my housing application in the middle of August, two months past the deadline, and I ended up on the best floor. I have had random people holding my hand all my life. I am ready to face the consequences I have created in my own life. I don't do my work, I lose credit. I don't do my job I get fired. I don't pay rent I get evicted. This is what it means to be an adult, and against my will the cosmos made me grow up and be an adult.

My mom once told me she thinks I have self destructive tendencies. I sabotage myself so that I am not successful. This may be true. I may also just be completely disorganized and lazy. Which ever, I am ready to move on.

It is time to prioritize and live up to my potential.
I am good at making excuses for my own downfalls.

No more.

While were both sinking (stinking thinking)

2008-03-09T03:31:00.000-07:00

Am I really that expendable?

I must have done something right.
I don't appreciate an example being made out of me.
I am so glad I get to escape this.

May our only occupation be not having a job

2008-03-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

I got fired today.

Yep, the old Peggster fucking fired me. Out of all the stupid shit I've done, the final straw is me showing up half hour late for duty. Wah Wahhhhhh. I am currently blasting Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains, there real good music to be pissed off with.

So, unlike most jobs, when I get fired I also become homeless and without food. Anybody looking for a roommate?

bleh.

... I can't wait for the weekend

2008-03-06T05:31:00.000-08:00

Bleh.

I just got home, it is 5:30. I have been animating since 4pm, this has been a 13 and a half hour animation session. I am probably half way done now. I finished the first season of 30 rock, it was really good. I am hooked.

It is time for bed.

I am not even going to proof read this.

2008-03-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

I have been animating all day. Pretty much straight, except for breaks for food and bathroom, for 5 hours now. Wow, thinking about that is kind of depressing, it seems like closer to 9 hours. I still have seven hours scheduled in the non linear suite tonight. I just needed a break, so I thought I'd blog.

I have been listening to The Pharmacy's new album. Nathan got it for me the record. It definitely isn't nearly as good as B.F.F. but it is nice to have something new to listen to from them. It is a lot more produced sounding, even to the point where Charlie said he kind of liked it. This is a day to go down in history! Charlie kind of likes the Pharmacy.

Wow, I'm so tired, forming these sentences are hard, I really should just finish my animation.

Something I have noticed about videos I have made is that the more time I spend working on it, the more I hate the final product. Or at least the more I hate the final product for the first two months after I finish. After spending hours looking at a computer screen working the piece together for days, I just got so sick of the way it looks and sounds. I get completely unimpressed by everything I have done. The problem with the sort of animation I am doing currently is that I am doing it all on the computer, every bit of it. I still have at least twenty more hours or so of work on it and I am so sick of looking at it already. Animation is definitely not where my passions lay.

Alright, back to work!

performing and transforming

2008-03-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

eating ring pops with my sisters and listening to Defiance, Ohio, its a good day.

I just got back from the Jeremiah Center's dinner theatre, which started at 1:30, so it was more like lunch time theatre. It was absolutely wonderful. It is awesome seeing my friends transform on stage and embody characters that are so foriegn to their own. It is remarkable the level of production quality they are able to pull off in the few short weeks they prepair. I mean I guess you will always laugh more when it is people you know on stage, but it was just absolutely hilarious.

Sometimes it can be problematic. Peoples ability to perform. I worry about my friends at the Jeremiah Center a lot. They are awesome people, but they lead bizzare lives. I know this because I was one of the JC kids when I was in high school. It is probably one of the most demanding youth groups ever invented. It is great, there are many avenues that allow people to devote a good amount of time to different ministries. The bad side is that it is super intense. The community created there is super tight and good friendships are created. In this super intensive tight community, there is a serious lack of accountability and honesty. I am not trying to be really critical of them, this is something most communities, especially Christian communities, lack terribly. I am afriad that the JC community is starting to feel the burden of being Christian teenagers and I hope that they can overcome that constant pressure. In that group dynamic there is way to much performing and displaying characters that aren't your own. You can't screw up if your on SLT, you can't experiment with drugs and alcohol if you go to church. When we believe these things, it causes us to hide who we really are from our churches and Christian communities. I wish that the JC community, and everyones Chrisitan community could embrace a group dynamic that embraced honesty and accountability. If we all could just bring our brokeness to the foreground, in a humble way that didn't glorify sin, we all could thrive better in our communities. Youth groups and bible studies are cool ways to make friends and learn a thing or two about Jesus, but they also have the potential to be places where teenagers and young adults can grow in there relationships with God through their relationships with each other. I want this in my own community, the JC community, and ever community.

In other news, I just talked to Josh Jones. I took the Jeremiah Center internship position this summer. These means I can't go to India. Deanna and Caleb will be sad. I am also really sad. I wanted to go, but I feel like this will be a better opportunity for me in this place in my life. It was a hard decision, but the JC is a ministry that means a lot to me and I am honored to b given a position that can allow me to participate in what God has in store for that place, which I know are amazing things.

Nathan is moving to Olympia in a couple weeks! I'm really excited.

I need to figure out something to do for my spring project. Any ideas?

I am in a Monopoly kind of a mood.

Oh, and people who want to judge me and my friends can get over themselves, their opinions are not that important. I just wish my friends had my back.

meh

2008-03-02T03:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight was Charlie's birthday. There was a lot of dancing, beer and nylons. All the ingredients of a wonderful party. I am currently waiting for my laundry to be done, I got another 45 minutes. I am trying out the show 30rock. I am 6 minutes into the pilot. Its alright.

Charlie's party was fun.

I have to wake up at 8:30, it is 3:15.

I have nothing worth saying.
I'm done.

Snitches get Stiches

2008-02-28T02:29:00.000-08:00

The school is divided. The school is divided and scary. Unlike a lot of propaganda I have been hearing, I am not afraid of the cops, but the students. I identify as an Anarchist and generally speaking I'm against the institution of police officers. Another belief I have, which is much more important, I believe, to having a society void of authority, is that we all should strive to have a community that respects each other and, through dialog, tries to find a mutual understanding on divided issues. This ideal was not executed today by my fellow classmates. I went to a forum about the riot and I saw a lot of unnecessary hostility and blatant disrespect. The conversation got so heated I felt like there needed to be police intervention. There were a group of people who sat in the back of Lecture Hall 1 and shouted rude and disruptive comments while others spoke. They didn't feel it was necessary to address the crowd formally or respect others opinions by allowing them there time to talk. They just shouted and used intimidation to dominate a conversation. These people where obviously on the side of getting rid of cops, yet they could barely police themselves. People like them make me reconsider my anarchic ideals. It is obvious some people are looking for resolution of any issue, they just want to fuck shit up.

Also, while I was walking home from the Greenery, some guy was putting up a card board wall as an installation art piece commenting on walls and boarders. While he was duck taping it, this kid came and knocked it over. What an ass hole. It really frustrates me when I see the student body motivated to be destructive ass holes, and not care a damn about advocacy or social justice. I know it isn't the entire student body, but the loudest ones get noticed.

People have been plastering anti snitch propaganda everywhere. My favorite is "Snitches get stiches." This blatant threat toward anyone who "snitches" is absolutely horrible. It seems like people want to get rid of cops and replace them with students who have privilege and self imposed authority. If someone doesn't agree with you or tries to counter your opinion, just beat them up. Yeah fuck cops! Lets just beat each other up. I mean, if the claim is that cops are violent and hateful pigs, why is it that the students are acting like the animals? And speaking from someone who's job is to snitch on people, I am frightened of my community. For the first time I am scared to be an RA on campus. I am not afraid of the cops or the man, I am afraid of the students who are threatening me and my fellow students.

This may seem over dramatic and unnecessary, and I would have agreed 12 hours ago, but some students are ready to throw down and I'm praying that no one has to get hurt because of there ignorance.

You wanna pass me a percocet?

2008-02-26T23:44:00.000-08:00

What an interesting and long weekend I have had. On Friday after class I ventured to Portland, OR for the conference Jesus the Revolution. I have been on several InterVaristy conferences and this one was by far the best. The Evergreen group was record breaking this time with 5 students and 2 staff workers. Another awesome part of the weekend is that I got to see a bunch of my friends who went to Summit! Last summer I spent the first two weeks living in Portland, working at a bunch of places, attempting to serve the poor. This was an amazing trip were I learned a lot about myself, God, and the world. I also was a part of an amazing community that was reunited this last weekend. I hadn't realized how much I had missed them until I saw them again this weekend. I also got a lot closer with the people who go to bible study. A great bunch they are and it was lovely hanging out. I am also excited about one more thing: Prayer. I realize the majority of people who read this aren't Christian, so just bare with me for a minute. There has been a prayer movement sweeping college campuses across the nation. I feel like this movement is the answer to so many of the problems of the Church today.

Jesus has become an institution. The religion of Christianity promotes routine and structure. Being a Christian isn't about saying the right words or going through the right motions, it is about living our relationships with Christ. I usually can't stand going to church because all I see is people who are bored. I want to be excited! I want to reignite my passion! Generally churches are the last place I would suggest to go to get passionate about Jesus. But this pray movement is so simple, yet so revolutionary. Just pray, pray all day long every day. This all started with some group of people in England, I believe, who decided they would take turns praying in shifts. All day everyday for 30 days, now nearly two decades later they have never stopped praying. Being a Christian isn't about communion and saying the lords pray, it is about loving Jesus and having a real relationship with him. This is what I want, and what I need.

For the first time in a long time I don't feel alone in this need.
Let the revolution begin.

Anyways, so I get back Sunday night and sleep a lot!

Monday is Charlie's birthday!!
So, you know, like any sane person, Charlie decides he wants to spend his 20th birthday in the emergency room. So we partied it up at the hospital for nearly 4 hours.

Let me start from the beginning. Charlie was trying to open Corbin's window, he tried really hard. His hand burst through the window slitting his left wrist.

I continue to freak the fuck out and call the police. The firemen come and wrap up his hand and the police give Charlie a ride to the hospital. I got to ride in the back of the cop car! Then we waited. Waited at the ER, waited at Walgreens for Charlie's oxycodon prescription to be filled, wait at Red Robin's to get a table, and waiting at the bowling alley for the rest of the group to show up. Oh and by the way, we had the shittiest waiter at Red Robin's. We told him it was Charlie's birthday and he carded him. What a D bag. Then later we went to the reef.

So the moral of the story is don't cut your wrist on broken glass, it isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds!!!

Defeated :(

2008-02-22T04:09:00.000-08:00

So I have a lot to talk about, but absolutely no energy!! It is 4 in the morning and I have to get up in 5 hours for class. Real quickly I must air my grievances with Vancouver, WA and how much I hate this city.

Quick background of my transportation history. I have never owned a car or had my license, not even my permit. I have gotten real good at taking buses. every few weeks I spend 8 hours round trip busing from Oly to Edmonds and back. I am very good at navigating websites and figuring out how to bus certain places (I don't know how people did anything before the internet). This summer I figured out how to bus from Edmonds to Anacortes, I mean, Anacortes for hecks sake! (literally for Heck's sake, I was busing to go to What The Heck Fest). Anyways, my friend Nathan is busing from Edmonds - Portland this Saturday and I wanted to help him figure it out. I just spent the last hour and a half trying to crack this code. It would have taken nearly 10 hours, but it would have cost less than 7 dollars. It involved nearly 8 buses and much lay over time, but I figured it out damnit. I even figured out how to get from Tumwater to longview and longview to Vancouver.

The only flaw in the plan is that the transit station in Vancouver that the bus from Longview goes to, Salmon Creek, does not have a single bus leave it on the weekends. There is a six mile gap from that transit station to the next. Six miles!!! I figured out how to bus all the way from Edmonds to fucking Portland, except six fucking miles in Vancouver, WA. Fuck Vancouver. Fuck!!! I am so defeated. I almost managed to escape using greyhound or amtrak to travel. Almost!

Well this path still works on the weekdays :)

I had to poo

2008-02-17T00:45:00.000-08:00

I went to Seattle / Edmonds this weekend. I am still here, using my families new computer. It is really nice and sleek. Sexy flat screen. I bused into Seattle Friday evening to meet up with Nathan at the Pharmacy show. I am not sure how many times it has been, but I believe it is around twenty times that I have seen them live. It might be a little less.

When I arrived in Seattle I had to poo. Like, bad. If I just had to pee I would have found an alley way or something like that and handled my full bladder in a punk rock manner. But Pooping is different. I have pooped in the woods before, but in a city, that would be just weird. I got to Seattle around 9:30, so a lot of places I could normally use the bathroom, were closed. After a few blocks I found a McDonalds. A police officer has guarding the bathroom, "Customers Only." I waited in a long line and ended up buying a small fry for a dollar and nine cents. I ran into the bathroom and went poo. When I was done I still had to wait to get my fries. I don't really like McDonald's fries and I wasn't hungry at all (I went to the Greenery earlier). I was just going to leave and forget about the fries, basically I spent 1.09 to use the bathroom. I started feeling ridiculously privileged. I mean I am, but I guess it was just so apparent then.

I got to the show around 9:45. The Pharmacy played and it was fun. There were alot of young kids, which made me feel kind of awkward. I hate feeling old. I was kind of disapointed in the set because it was super short and they only played one song off B.F.F. I hate change.

Afterwards I went to Nathans place and spent the night. Today I went to the Kaz-ba. The last band that played was actually pretty good. After the show the merch guy stared going around and aggressively trying to convince people to buy a CD. It was funny because Daniel was getting so pissed at this guys persistent techniques. We was telling people that if he didn't sell x number of CDs that the band was going to beat him with a metal pipe. Daniel was getting so annoyed. The funny part is he had every intention of buying a CD, but refused because of the merch guys' behavior. I told the merch guy I had plenty of money but I was just going to download all there music and burn it for all my friends. I don't think he appreciated that.

I have this project for class I will be working on for the next three weeks. It is supposed to be a non fiction animation. I originally wanted it to be an abstract collage style animation about the influence of reproduced sound in our society. But I decided that I want to take a much lighter approach to this assignment. My last project was super serious, and I am sure my spring project will be super serious, so I want this animation to be super laid back and fun. I had an idea to animate the troubles of the donner party, because forced cannibalism is kind of funny, but decided against it. My final decision is that I am going to animate the trials and tribulations of the 4th flour. The most influential community I have ever been apart of is the madhouse, the floor I lived on last year as a Freshmen. We had some wacky times, and I want to animate that wackiness. The cool thing is I am going to have everybody do there own voice overs, except Amanda, or course. I hope it turns out good. Any ideas?? Let me know!!

I am waking up kind of early tomorrow to catch the bus to Olympia. I hate the bus!!!

Glorified (and wonderful) excuse to eat candy

2008-02-14T23:53:00.000-08:00

So, during my brief re-emergence into the drinking world, I forgot one thing. I hate parties. I am currently not drinking, I can say it is just because of lent, but that isn't true. It was becoming a problem and I needed to calm down. A lot of people in my life don't understand this, and that is okay. I don't expect anyone to know what alcohol means to me, just like I don't know what it means to them. All I do know is that alcohol means way too much to me. I was at this party tonight, and all I wanted to do was drink. I wanted to drink so bad. I wanted to drink until I couldn't think right or walk straight. I wanted to drink until I made decisions I would soon regret. I feel like beer is the perfect escape from being responsible. I can't be blamed for my actions when I am drunk, right? Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with this imagined pressure to be a good example. A part of me wants to do whatever it takes to feel immediately gratified, drugs, sex, booze, it doesn't matter, I want a piece of it. Some voice in my head is constantly re affirming that these things don't actually make me happy, they would just make me forget or distract me. Alcohol is everything that is bad for me in my life, but it is also anecdote of "fun Tasha." I don't know what is missing in my life, but I know beer isn't it.

Anyways, why I hate parties! Well I don't exactly hate parties, I just hate most people. Okay, I don't hate people, I just get horribly annoyed with them. I believe it to be true that when people have been drinking, their inhibitions lower and are more audacious in there actions. When I am cold sober (as I was this evening) and I see people interact with each other, I just get angry. I see the skezzy guy making his rounds, hitting on and touching all the girls at the party. I see the girls who are flattered by this offensive flittering. I can see these gender dynamics boldly presenting themselves in front of my eyes, and it sucks. At other parties this year, it has been primarily people I knew well and I have also been drinking. Tonight was a rude awakening to how the rest of the world works, and it sucks. It is kind of like leaving Evergreen, but the characteristics of this party stank of Evergreen stereotypes, folk music being made in the living room, lots of white people (I think all white people actually), PBR, and much too familiar faces. I was in a house full of people I recognized, some I had even been in classes with and conversed with on a regular basis, but hardly any people in that house where my friends, or even people I felt slightly comfortable around. I guess it boils down to feelings. I go to some parties and I feel comfortable and I have a great time! Others I have overwhelming feelings of violation, just from standing in the room. After people started arriving I didn't feel comfortable at all, in a house that I have been at dozens of time, with people I count as my best friends. I don't know, it was just uncomfortable. I got some surprising and horrible news at the party, and it was time to leave. The world makes me sad sometimes. I fucking hate "the way things are" sometimes.

Respect women, respect me.
Thats not too complicated.

Okay, I have really been ragging on this party. It wasn't that bad I guess, a lot of people seemed to be having a lot of fun. It just wasn't what I needed tonight. I tip my hat to the captain for having another raging party.

Oh yeah, Happy Valentines Day!! Let us dine and drink to the martyred Saints known only as Valentine on there feast day, February 14th. Let us remembered our loved ones and those who we care about in our lives by eating chalky little candy hearts. I can't get enough of those things.

Hmm, how can I end this without sounding biter about Valentines day? I really have no hard feelings against this day. This is just like most other holidays, a glorified (and wonderful) excuse to eat candy! Anyone got any extra sweethearts? I'll take them!

Bleh.

2008-02-14T00:42:00.000-08:00

Keep positive! Chin up!
What if a good attitude isn't enough?

I am usually real good at dealing with problems. I pride myself on being pretty straight forward and reasonable. What if being a good listener isn't enough? What if honesty isn't enough? I get sucked into the horrible black hole of passive aggressive behavior. There is nothing in this world that bothers me more than passive aggressive people. If you have a problem with me, tell me! No manipulation, no mind games, just TELL ME!!!

I say this, but I am just as guilty as anyone else.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I tried being honest. I tried being understanding. I tried not letting it bother me. I tried passive aggressive mind games. I don't know what to do anymore. Is my last option burning that bridge?

This blog post in its self is passive aggressive as fuck.

Tell me what you need! I will do the best I can to deliver. I wouldn't care this much if you didn't matter to me, but I am out ideas.

In other news, I suck at life.

I am at the end of my rope.
one fuck up away from getting fired.

How can I do this job if I don't feel like I can trust anyone? Don't tell me you care about me and believe in me, just to talk shit about me to my peers. How can I be straight forward and honest when it could cost me my job. Bite the bullet? Maybe. Do what I can to survive? I guess.

This summer my family got evicted from our home. My mom doesn't have the best credit, for awhile it seemed as though we wouldn't be able to find another place to live. This was the first time in my life I ever worried about not having a home. I mean, I was a few weeks from going off to college, but I still couldn't bare the thought of my family not having a home. We'd all lived in that house for 9 years, it was the only house I had ever called home. My mom found an apartment near my little sisters schools. It worked out great, a much more convenient location for everyone. But not home.

If I get fired, I don't have anywhere to live. I know my friends would take care of me until I got my business in order, but still, no security. No where to call home.

Being an adult sucks!

Christmas Miracle

2008-02-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

I apologize loyal blog readers (all three of you) for my lack of posting recently I can give you the "I have been too busy" excuse, but it would be a lie. This last week has been a rough one. I guess mustering the energy to write down all the things going wrong in my life would almost have broken me. In short, I am on the verge of being fired, and despite how much I loath my job, it is very good for me financially. I need to do what it takes to get by, nothing more.

In other news, my class produced a show on TCTV. The group I was in appointed me as director, it was an honor. Despite all the difficulties, we managed to write and produce a 25 minute long show in 4 days. It was a Christmas miracle. When it airs on TV I'll let you all know.

I had an adventure this weekend. It all started with Kimya Dawson playing in Seattle this Saturday. Carley and I were planning on taking the bus in the morning to get to the show in time, it started at 3. The Friday before the show we wanted to go to the Reef. We called and invited Matt Olson. He explained he was too tired. Jokingly, I asked him if we (Carley and I) could borrow his car to go to the Reef. Surprisingly he agreed to this. After the Reef we were hanging out at Heathers and we decided we wanted to get the hell out of Olympia. We discussed the prospect of driving to Yelm, Lacey, or Tacoma. All these ideas fell short of fun. Out of peer desperation we called Matt and asked if we could bring his car to Seattle for the night. He hesitantly agreed to this. We couldn't believe this!! We took off for the big city. We got to the big city, and kept driving until we got to a much smaller city. I gave Carley a quick tour of Edmonds, WA. We got to my mom's house around 1 o clock in the morning and visit with her for awhile. Afterwards we meet up with Nathan on Capitol Hill. There was a big party with lots of glitter and '80s music. We stay for a short while and head to Beth's Cafe. We hung out there drinking coffee and eating hash browns until 3:30am. We head back to Edmonds, watch The Craft, and go to bed. The next day we went to see Kimya Dawson at Easy street. It was cool. We got there 25 minutes before the show started and got to the very front. Kimya was awesome. She played for nearly two hours. After the show Carley and I plan on meeting up with Nathan and Andi in Olympia, so after we drop off Matt's car, we can go with them the rest of the way to Portland!!! Oh and We so lovingly named Matt's car the Bat Mobile. Mostly because there was a rubber bat hanging from the rear view mirror. We all met up at school and headed south. We didn't get to Portland till after 9:30 at night. Most everything was closed. After aimlessly walking and driving around, we met up with Nathan's girl friend in the Hawthorne district. We saw the last few songs of the Lake set. They were playing at this cute venue called the Artisary (I think). My friends and I brought the fricking party. We kept telling people that we hear no one in Portland dances. It was great. Afterwards we went to this diner and got food. I got the good old 2 egg breakfast. After that, we went to this house show. It took us awhile to find it (shotty directions) and by the time we arrived (1:30) the show was over. We went back to Michelle's to sleep. In the morning we went to Noah's Bagels and got 39 free bagels. Nathan had a bunch of coupons. Afterwards we went and got coffee at this dive where you were allowed to smoke inside. I drank coffee and smoked a cigarette. It was awesome! For lunch we went to Nicholas' Restaurant. We had amazing Lebanese food. It was served family style!! Shortly after we headed back to Olympia. I love adventure. Next weekend I think I am going to Edmonds. There is a show in Seattle, that should be fun.

So I started writing this post last night, but went to the Reef right in the middle of it, so yeah. When we were walking into the Reef last night, I saw Kimya Dawson, Angelo Spencer, and their baby Panda getting out of a car. I kind of freaked. I got like really nervous and weird. Once we were inside I started freaking out! I am not sure why exactly, but it happened. I really dropped the ball. Matt told me I should go talk to her, at this point she was sitting at a table in the Reef. I mustered the courage and walked over to her table. I told her I saw her yesterday in Seattle and I really appreciated the show. I introduced myself and thanked her. I was nervous and not that cool. I could have been much cooler. If there was ever a time in my life to be cool, it was then, but I fucked it up. I'm glad I did it though. She is just a human being and she shouldn't (and probably doesn't want to) be idolized. I guess I just think she is so amazingly cool. Michelle, in reference to why Kimya is so cool, put it "anyone could write her songs, but she is the only one who does." I think that is a great way to sum up why she is so awesome. We need more people singing about their Vaginas.

I have been listening to "B.F.F." frantically since I got back from Portland. I just realized that I hadn't listened to it in nearly 4 months and I think it may be my favorite album ever. EVER!!!

CORE

2008-01-31T23:06:00.000-08:00

Core

I made this video Fall quarter of class, it was filmed on 16mm, their is no sound. The lovely Carley Mattern stars in it. It is about sin and how it permeates our life.

I met a mermaid...

2008-01-31T22:43:00.000-08:00

I jumped in the ocean yesterday. The cold and freezing ocean. While we were walking to the car on the way to the beach there was snow on the ground. It was cold. I needed to get footage of myself jumping into the ocean for a video project for class. I believe the video turned out alright, not as good as I had expected. I didn't plan enough video to match how much sound I needed. I could always go back and add more, but I probably won't. Right now I am in the MultiMedia lab. I am uploading the video to youtube and it is taking a long time to load.

I am on probation. Peggy sent me the letter via email this morning. I believe the straw that broke the camel's back was I no showed a 1-1 with her this morning. This is completely my fault, I own that. I sent her an email today informing her that I had to miss next weeks RA meeting because my class was going to the Thurston county television station and would be there from 2pm - 8pm. The RA meeting is from 2 - 4. She responded and told me I needed to get a note from my faculty verifying that I am actually going to TCTV with my class. I personally found this to be absolutely ridiculous. I am not in elementary school and I am not a criminal. This job is supposed to be based on trust. How can my bosses trust that I am being a good community builder if they can't even trust me when I say I have a field trip. I told Peggy via email today that I found it absolutely offensive that she would expect that from me. She hasn't replied. I am really nervous and don't know what to do. On one hand I don't want to lose my job but on the other, that is a ridiculous request and I think letting her get away with it is going to make my job harder. I kind of want to do a really want to do well in all other aspects of this job so that I can stick it to my bosses. I may joke about it a lot, but I really don't want to lose my job. My job is my home and my job is my means to eat. AAHHH I don't know what to do.

In other news, I am planning on going to Dance O Dance this Friday. The Pasties are playing!