CORE

Core



I made this video Fall quarter of class, it was filmed on 16mm, their is no sound. The lovely Carley Mattern stars in it. It is about sin and how it permeates our life.

I met a mermaid...

I jumped in the ocean yesterday. The cold and freezing ocean. While we were walking to the car on the way to the beach there was snow on the ground. It was cold. I needed to get footage of myself jumping into the ocean for a video project for class. I believe the video turned out alright, not as good as I had expected. I didn't plan enough video to match how much sound I needed. I could always go back and add more, but I probably won't. Right now I am in the MultiMedia lab. I am uploading the video to youtube and it is taking a long time to load.

I am on probation. Peggy sent me the letter via email this morning. I believe the straw that broke the camel's back was I no showed a 1-1 with her this morning. This is completely my fault, I own that. I sent her an email today informing her that I had to miss next weeks RA meeting because my class was going to the Thurston county television station and would be there from 2pm - 8pm. The RA meeting is from 2 - 4. She responded and told me I needed to get a note from my faculty verifying that I am actually going to TCTV with my class. I personally found this to be absolutely ridiculous. I am not in elementary school and I am not a criminal. This job is supposed to be based on trust. How can my bosses trust that I am being a good community builder if they can't even trust me when I say I have a field trip. I told Peggy via email today that I found it absolutely offensive that she would expect that from me. She hasn't replied. I am really nervous and don't know what to do. On one hand I don't want to lose my job but on the other, that is a ridiculous request and I think letting her get away with it is going to make my job harder. I kind of want to do a really want to do well in all other aspects of this job so that I can stick it to my bosses. I may joke about it a lot, but I really don't want to lose my job. My job is my home and my job is my means to eat. AAHHH I don't know what to do.

In other news, I am planning on going to Dance O Dance this Friday. The Pasties are playing!

singing and dancing for Jesus

Tonight was bible study night. Deanna led this week on the passage ask, seek, knock. I really get excited about this. Sometimes I just feel like Jesus doesn't care about my problems, or isn't interested in helping me out. But when I pray I remind myself of these simple concepts, "Ask and it will be given to you; Seek and you will find; Knock and the door will be opened to you." I am not sure why this gets me so excited about God, but it does. I want to knock and have God open the door. That would be awesome.

After the bible study a few of us went up stairs and hung out in Michelle and Laurel's room. We started doing this weird wrestling game that involves rolling around the floor trying to remove the opposite persons sock. It was pretty great. I guess we played it more violently than is intended, but I am pretty sure that made it more fun.

So we all know that Charlie likes to fight and wrestle. I mean you hang out with him for twenty minutes or so and you get to see him wrestle somebody. When I was young I used to always wrestle and fight with my siblings and cousin. I am not that strong, but I have a pretty good pain tolerance. Charlie told me that he will always hold back when fighting me because I am a girl. And I mean, I don't blame him for feeling that way, it just makes me sad. I have always been the girl who gets along better with guys (except at Evergreen, where all the girls are way more masculine than most of the men). I grew up preferring to do "boy things" opposed to the girl things. I hated growing up and not feeling ever completely comfortable with the guys, because they treated me different. But I also felt completely uncomfortable around all the girls because they were so different than me. When I was in the fourth grade my dad took me to get a hair cut that was ridiculously short. I looked just like a boy with my short hair, androgynous body, mariners t shirt, and baggy jeans. I started at a new school that year, and everyone just assumed I was a boy. At first I was really embarrassed about all the confusion. My teachers would often refer to me as him or he. But I quickly began to notice that the guy friends I made that year treated me a lot more like one of the guys due to my deceptive look. I've never really told anyone this before, but I started going out of my way to look more like a boy because I wanted to fit in. That was the year I stopped wearing stretch pants and floral shirts.

Now as I am older, I have very much so embraced my femininity and I am so glad to be a girl. But there are still times when I wish people wouldn't see me as a girl and punch me as hard as they could.


I went on winter retreat this weekend. It was cool. A lot of singing and dancing for Jesus. It was sweet being able to see a lot of old friends. I am glad I went.

This week is starting off a million times better than last week. Let's keep it up!

TGIF

Today was a long day. I only had four hours of sleep and was just running around doing a bunch of stuff. I got a cow bell. Hey Glove! is really going places. I have a lot to say about today, but I am just too tired. I am leaving shortly after class tomorrow to start my four hour long bus ride to Edmonds tomorrow. I don't know If I'll have time to update the blog before then, at which point I will not have access to a computer again until Monday. So dedicated readers, I will talk to you again soon. Enjoy your weekend.

Chuck v. Chuck

I saw "There Will be Blood" last night. I liked the movie a lot. I won't go into detail because I can't stand people who talk about movies and ruin it for me. I will say that it was very interesting going to see this particular movie because I entered the experience knowing close to nothing about the movie. I had never seen a trailer or read anything about it. I didn't know what where or when it was supposed to take place. But most importantly I didn't know who was the good guy and who was the bad guy. It was much better going into a movie and being completely surprised opposed to knowing a majority of the plot. So yeah, good movie. We showed up at the theater in Lacey because Corbin thought the movie started at 8:30, it didn't start at 8:30. We were a little early. The movie was actually playing at 10:30. We were forced to hang out in Lacey for two hours waiting for the movie to start. Thanks Corbin.

Today we had an RA meeting. I can honestly say I have never been more proud of my co-workers until this meeting. We were discussing the murals that got painted over and the process to get new murals up. Chuck, one of my bosses, made a comment about the process for getting a mural put up on the second floor of A building is a much harder process because this is an area where prospective students and parents see. He continued saying that Housing is a business and it would be better for business not to have a mural in highly viewed areas. This of course set off the RAs who like to pretend we don't work for some evil manipulative business, which we do! Charlie was the first to go after Chuck's comment. He starts off by saying "This feels like a conspiracy theory." I was so happy. It was like Chuck v. Chuck. I don't know if any change is going to happen from our getting upset, but I still liked it. I just felt united against a common enemy with my fellow RAs.

I think about quiting a lot. Like more than healthy, I'm sure. There are a few reasons why I haven't quit yet. The convenience of working and living on campus, I don't want to abandon my fellow RA friends, and the bible study. Every week I host a bible study in my room. Deanna and Caleb, some friends of mine who are on staff with InterVarsity and run the bible study, want me to continue living on campus so that I can live amongst the community I intend to be serving. Not only do they encourage me to remain an RA, they also want me to do it again next year. I don't know if I can handle it. I haven't made up my mind about it yet.

I stenciled today. They turned out pretty good. I might post pictures if I can figure out how to.

Hey Glove! is getting all kinds of serious. We decided we are going to start having weekly practices. We still have to figure out a time and date that works for everyone. Tomorrow we are waking up early to go and buy a cow bell. I will still remember you when I am famous.

This post was particularly boring. I apologize to those of you who read the whole thing. I really thought it would get better.

Dear RC,

I am sorry RC. I am sorry I posted a blog that presented you in a really negative way. I have been so angry at you, I didn't even consider your feelings. I am still going to struggle with understanding you and believing the things you tell me, but it is a struggle I am willing to go through. I think the reason I am so upset with you, is because you mean so much to me. You are one of my best friends and it drives me crazy that I hate you right now. I beg for your forgiveness. I acted selfishly. I understand if you don't forgive me right away, or ever. I did something very rude. All I can do now is pray to God that you will forgive me. I have spent along time praying over what has happened recently. I have no right to be mean to you, I am called to love you. No matter what. I want to love you and treat you as Jesus would treat you. This is really hard for me to say because I am a prideful person, but I know this is what God wants me to do. If you were ever interested in discussing this matter in person, or whatever, I would be willing to do that. If I can publicly say all kinds of rude things about you, I can publicly apologize too. I want you to understand that I didn't write those things to hurt you. I really didn't think you would ever read those words, or maybe I did subconsciously, I don't know. But that is irrelevant because you were hurt by what I wrote. I am sorry. All I can ask is that you pray for me. Even if you hate me, please pray for me.


RC, I am sorry.

-Tasha

I found my wallet.

I was completely freaked out by the concept of losing my wallet. That would mean I would need to replace my ID card, meal card, laundry card, and my debit card. Not to mention, several old photos that I carry around in my wallet that I do not want to lose. But lucky for me I found it. I feel kind of stupid. It was in my room. I thought I had searched every surface of my room, but it had fallen somehow underneath my heater. But whatever, I found it and that is all that matters.

I really seem to be screwing up recently. I am kind of lost in my life. I feel like every aspect of my life is just so screwed. Today was a good day for reconciling some of the things that have been bothering me. I have a project due on Friday that I was kind of freaking out about, but I am feeling a lot better about it now. I talked with my group, so I am more confident we will pull everything together. I have another project due in a couple weeks, and I think I will have enough time to finish it up.

Deanna and Caleb prayed with me for a long time yesterday and listened to me talk. It was super helpful. It helped pin point reasons why I am so lost and what I can do to get back on track. So this may sound dumb, but it may have very simply made my week. I was trying to turn on my computer earlier and it wasn't working properly. Every time it turned on none of the icons on my desktop would show up. This happens every once in awhile. Usually I just turn off my computer and restart it. On rare occasions I need to restart it twice or three times for it to work. Today when I went to turn on my computer it wouldn't work at all. I kept turning it on and then forcing it off, over and over again. After like eight attempts to get my computer to work I was super frustrated. That, plus all this other stress was really weighing on me. I just didn't know what to do, so I started praying. I said over and over again "God please make my computer work" I must have said it close to a dozen times. As I was saying this over and over again, waiting for my computer to start I remember thinking how lame it was to pray for my computer to work, some people don't even have a computer. God won't care if my computer isn't working. Then I remembered the passage Ask, Seek, Knock. I just concentrated on those passages and kept praying "God please make my computer work." And it worked. My desktop had all of its icons and I was able to go on. This may sound ridiculously trivial, but I don't care. I asked God for something and I was given it. I love God. I also found my wallet right after this happened. I am feeling much better.


I listen to Page France more than anyone else on LastFM. Just thought I would put that out there.

I yelled at these freshmen today. A few days ago at the Greenery this guy stood up and made an announcement, he basically encouraged everyone to stand up and put their voice out there. Today he stood up again and said that one of his friends had taken his advice and wanted to make an announcement. During his short talk people where yelling at him and swearing and stuff, it was so rude. The other guy told everyone that their is going to be a meeting with the school about the smoking policy and everyone should go and voice their opinion. It was a pretty relevant announcement. A few minutes later as I was throwing away my food and putting away my tray, I heard a couple guys talking shit about the guy who encouraged us all to use our voices. They were the same guys who were yelling at him. I ignored them and continued on my way to the dorms. I was stopped on the trail for a few minutes talking with Matt Louv when the same boys walked by me again. They were still making fun of this guy and I just couldn't hold back. I yelled at them "Why don't you stop being fucking jackasses." This was probably the least effective way to get my point across, but it sure did make me feel better. I felt kind of like Charlie. I just can't stand this mentality that it is okay to make fun of and belittle them because they aren't as cool as you are. I felt like I was in high school. Like the popular jocks were making fun of the weird kid. But that is bullshit, Evergreen is made for the weirdos. I am so glad I am not in high school anymore.

what a great way to wake up.

I posted a blog last night. I was attempting to be honest and display my brokeness for everyone. Within 7 hours of it being posted I got a text message threatening that If I didn't remove the blog this person would never speak to me again. I haven't decided if I am going to put it up again. I have class and I'm already going to be late now because of this. I apologize if I hurt anyone with the post. I don't want to hurt or attack anyone. I meant every thing I said, so i don't know.

"You know what, can I have like ten minutes!"

I cleaned and re-arranged my room today. There is something really refreshing about it. I feel like I moved to a whole new city, just because my wardrobe is across my room. I haven't blogged in a couple days. This is mostly because all I have been doing is laying around and watching TV on my computer. I went bowling on Tuesday, that was pretty cool. I like bowling, I think we all might go again on Friday. Wow, yeah, I don't really have anything worth mentioning.

Oh, here we go. I went to La Voyeur on Monday. It made me sad. So about seven of us headed downtown for food around 3 o clock. We showed up at La Voyeur and there was one other table of people eating. It was pretty empty. A few members of our party had to leave around 4:45 to get back to campus for class, we thought this allowed us enough time. We ordered almost as soon as got there. I ordered the tempeh rueben, which is a nice treat that Heather got me hooked on. So we are all hanging out, having a good time, when we realize that we had been there over an hour and our food was nowhere in sight. It was around 4:30. We had to leave at 4:45, so we were worried we wouldn't have time to eat. I has pressured into asking the cook how much longer the food was going to take. I realized how rude this question can seem so I took caution to say it in the least offensive way as possible.

"Hey we were just wondering about how much longer our food was going to be."

"Well, you know I am only one cook."

"Oh no, its fine, its just that my friend has to leave to get back to class so we were considering getting our food to go."

"You know what, can I have like ten minutes!"

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry."

She made me so sad. I mean, it doesn't translate well because the conversation was typed, but she had so much attitude. I wasn't trying to make her upset. But the dumb thing is that her being mad just made me really upset.

Later that evening I went to the Reef. All is good and holy at the Reef. We were listening to some especially good music, so I wanted to inquire from Lyle, our waiter, who the band was. When I asked the question I was stumbling on my words and being all shy. I think part of it is that I was still a little shaken up from earlier. Louvy Louvito pointed out that I am only shy or nervous or whatever around waiters and waitresses. This is true. They just embody everything that I want to be. I want them to like me and be my friend. If a Reef waiter of waitress is nice to me, it is kind of like I am in! In what? I am not sure, but whatever it is, their validation means that I am in it. I want to work at the Reef. I had bible study tonight. It was cool. A bunch of bible study kids are going to go the Kaz-ba with me this Saturday to volunteer. I am super excited. I should go to sleep now. I have class.

Reef, if you read this, just know, I'll treat you right. I'll treat you like a lady should be treated. Just give me a call when you think you are ready for this!

ESTEBAN!!!

I have been blogging on this thing for awhile now I guess, and I realized how little I talked about anything substantial. I am completely okay with spending a great deal of time musing about the random stuff that goes on in my life, but maybe tonight I'll do something a little different.

So I like really like Jesus, in case you didn't know that. I have considered myself a Christian for about two and a half, almost three years now. During this time I have grown and changed dramatically. A lot of the more dramatic change happened when I went to the hippie haven known as Evergreen. I guess Evergreen changes everyone because that book (50 colleges that change lives) said it does. I mean, I never read the book, but I'm sure it has legitimate points.

Well anyways, a lot of my values and beliefs have changed also. Some things that I have consistently believed for a long time I still hold true, like that we all should strive for gender equality, you shouldn't eat animals, sexuality is more complex than gay and straight and should be celebrated, not discouraged, punk rock music is going to change the world, money is the route to all evil and the government is corrupt and should not be trusted. When I first started investigating what it meant to be a Christian I was very skeptical of the entire religion and assumed my beliefs could never align with Christians beliefs. The unfortunate truth is I would go to church and I was right, to me it seemed that Christians hated women, gay people, brown people, poor people, and people who didn't subscribe to their beliefs. For some reason I continued to seek out the reason people seemed so into this concept of God. When I was a junior in high school I ended up at a place called the Net, it was a youth group hosted by the Edmonds Lynnwood Parish. I could write pages about how this place impacted me and how my faith journey begun in this community (and one day I do plan on writing all this down, but today is not that day). But if we all want to fast forward to present time, I am a Christian and I still have most of my same values, but many are refined and more legitimate.

It is hard dealing with labels because most everything has some sort of stigma attached. I think sometimes people will hear a certain word and stop listening to any sort of explanation. They make up their mind based off these societal stigmas. So now with that said, I most closely identify as an Anarchist. It all boils down to living the cliche, "Be the change you want to see." I don't like democracy or republics. I don't like capitalism, socialism, or communism. I think any government with a monetary system, or any means to measure wealth, will be inherently corrupt. I feel it is my responsibility as a Christian to care about the poor and not support systems that are racist, sexist, or homophobic. Jesus calls us to love each other as He loves us. How can I love my neighbors and not actively care about them?

Surprisingly their is a pretty big anarchist Christian movement. As a Christian, I obviously think of anarchy differently than someone who hates the concept of religion and a monotheistic God. I think that only God and God alone can rule over us. Everyone else will be corrupt and will systematically oppress anyone they need to get power. Another big difference between myself and many other Anarchists is that I don't think global anarchy will work (or maybe all anarchists think this, I don't know). I guess I feel called to put up with the system, but attempt to remove myself as far from it as possible. I am obviously not changing the government anytime soon, but why wait to change myself? Instead starting some violent uprising (I don't like nor support the idea of using violence to fight violence) I will revolt against the government with by revolting against my culture. I obviously haven't figured out what this will look like, and I am obviously not doing a good job of living these ideals either. I guess in the future I would like to be working for a non profit, socially aware company. Or I would just like to be doing film freelance. I would also like to develop a way to live without paying (much) rent. Other things also, like buying locally grown food and not having lots of things.

I didn't write this necessarily to start some debate or be ridiculed for what I believe. I just wanted to put that out their. For a couple reasons. I want to actually be living this way more than I have in the past. Also, I want to be living more consciously for God. There are times in my life where I feel really close with God, and there are other times where I feel a great deal of distance. I am currently feeling very distant from God, and I want to reconcile this by trying to reduce the sin in my life and just be a better person. I want to be the change I want to see. A couple ways I have started this, is I am trying to be more healthy. I am eating less unhealthy food (or trying) and working out. I am also trying to be a nicer person to people. This proves difficult in my job a lot. Updates, when I have something more impressive to share.

Now I kind of feeling like I am rambling. It is like 3:30 in the morning. I started writing this at like 1:30. Nathan called me and we talked for like an hour and half. It was very nice. I feel like Nathan is one of the few people I can talk to on the phone for a ridiculous amount of time and talk about absolutely nothing. We must have spent at least 40 minutes discussing my plans to start an opium drug ring on campus and my plans to move to Anacortes, WA and be in a Mexican gang.

Damn you ESTEBAN!!!

Anyways! I am going to go to bed.

Hella France.

Tonight was Amanda's birthday party, appropriately titled "A night in Paris," just like Charlie's junior high school dance. It was all kinds of fun. I dressed up like every single French person. I wore a little dumb French hate, a red neckerchief, and a fake mustache. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times; fake mustaches bring the shenanigans. Charlie and I also decorated the house with drawings related (loosely) with France and a big birthday banner. We also got an array of bread and brie cheese. Hella France. Oh, and a fricking funfetti birthday cake. Their is no cake, in the whole world, that is as fun as the funfetti birthday cake! The party was an all around success. Amanda is like super old now. Gross. I refuse to be twenty.

Toward the end of the night, Matt took on my costume and I got to be party captain for awhile. As soon as he put on my exact same France props, all of a sudden people were whisked away with laughter. Hilarity ensued. Bull shit. It was my damn costume, that I spent a lot of time and energy creating. No one else dressed up French, I should have been automatic winner. After all the cameras had enough of Matt, it was Charlie's turn to steal my spot light and fucking laughs. Ohhh, Charlie was even more hilarious wearing my French costume. Then it became Charlie fucking dress up hour.

I was robbed, robbed blind.


Everyone at the party was troopers though, and let me apply eye liner mustaches (except Heather, Corbin, Lily, and Julian, they hate fun). Something about that damn fake mustache makes the person wearing it go ape shit insane for a few minutes. You just have this compelling obligation to be hilarious. If I've said it twice, I've said it a million times; fake mustaches bring the shenanigans.

Around midnight, Louvy Lito needed to get his damn beauty rest, and forcefully removed all of us from the premises. He brought the party to the Reef (and I funk, I might add). Corbin was being an ass and trying to gross me out by making gagging noises. The people in the booth next to us vocalized their descent with his actions. Corbin apologized, adding he was just trying to gross me out. One of the guys at the table added "oh yeah thats just what I want to hear when I am trying to eat." Tool. Then they may have complained to the wait staff about our behavior. Either way, they got to-go boxes and left. We won. So, yeah.

On the way to the car from the Reef there were too people arguing on the other side of the street, outside Old School Pizza. One guy was yelling at the other, I believe it went down something like this:
"You let someone from Washington play you like a bitch, there aren't any ghettos in Washington."
It was pretty much awesome.

I am on duty in 7 hours. LAME! I hate being on duty because I can't fricking leave campus. AAHHH. And I don't have class on Mondays, so like, Sunday is like second Friday.

Oh, and horrible news! The cost of a cup of coffee at the Reef just sky rocketed to a dollar seventy five. It used to be a buck twenty five. It is significantly more expensive now. I mean, I probably go to the Reef and get coffee at least four times a week. At fifty cents more a cup I will be spending two dollars more a week. With 52 weeks in a year, I will be spending 104 dollars more on coffee a year. I don't like associating the Reef with any negative feelings. So, this is real hard on me.

If I've said it three times, I've said it a million times; fake mustaches bring the shenanigans.

Something in the deli aisle...

I went to a show tonight. I was hesitant about attending this show because there was another great show in Seattle at the same time. The band playing here in Olympia was The Blow. I fricking love The Blow. I saw her first when I was at What The Heck Fest this summer. She is awesome. But yeah, at first I was unsure if she was actually playing and it made me all kinds of nervous. The show was at some place downtown I had never been to before. It surprises me every time I go to a show in Oly, there are so many great places to have shows, but few good shows. But anyways, this place was pretty cool, real big. The first two bands were pretty sucky. Next up was The Blow!!!! She was so great. I really appreciate how she doesn't really dress up sexy, or really do her hair or makeup, yet she has so much damn sex appeal. Bad ass. Although I was a little pissed that the two opening bands played like 45 minute sets, and she only played a half hour. Lame! The last band, Gumar and his Magical Midi Band, was surprisingly cool. They had a bunch of fake instruments and just had some electronic tracks they sang over. People were feeling it. This gives me real hope for Hey Glove! I mean, I think we could make way funkier beats than that. So everyone be ready. We shall conquer the world!

Before the show we had to stop by the bank so Charlie and Heather could get some dollar bills! Matt and I were chicken fighting on some car medium. He got the best of me, I fell into a puddle, got all muddy, scratched my hand. Matt is a monster.

So, their was supposed to be an orgy in my common room tonight. I got here and no orgy. But I guess the cops came and gave my residents a bunch of condoms. I took a bunch, for all that sex I plan on having. Interested? Let me know!

Lolololololol

So, I usually don't blog twice in a day, but I just read on the internet that the Golden Globes are canceled this year. lolololololololololol. I think this is awesome. Apparently all actors in the Screen Actors Guild are refusing to cross the picket line, so ain't nobody showing up to get their award. This makes me so happy. The entire industry is crumbling upon itself. I guess the directors are starting to get pissed and might want to rethink their contracts with the studios also. What is Hollywood without their writers, directors, or actors? lolololololololol.

This does unfortunately mean more really bad reality T.V. shows. Dominico is getting is own show, that is pretty cool. I think it is ridiculous that all these pseudo celebrities get 2nd and 3rd chances to find love via their own reality shows. I mean, come one. So yeah, New York, Flavor Flav, and Bret Michaels, you already got your 15 minutes. Step down. This is just getting embarrassing. So I know the writers are going on strike, but is it really that hard to come up with a name for a reality T.V. show, because that is the only writing required and VH1 is fucking it up. I mean, My Fair Brady ... Maybe Baby? What is that shit? Or, Scott Baio is 46 and pregnant. Their is nothing catchy about these titles. Like, a Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, that is catchy. You know, the parallels between Tequila and Shots. This is decent writing.

On an unrelated note, Scott Baio was excellent in Arrested Development. haha, "I have to write my Bob Oblaw Law Blog." Now that show has good writing. Did I mention I like Arrested Development?

Limnophobia

First day of class.

bitter sweet.
I was really tired today because I still haven't adjusted to a new sleeping schedule, and I was up late last night dealing with things. So The Blow might be playing this Friday in Olympia. The details are a little fuzzy because other bands list that The Blow is playing, but her own website doesn't include the show, so I don't know. The problem arises in the fact that I had other plans to go to a show in Seattle the same night. I would much rather see the Blow, but what if they aren't really playing? My life is so tough.

So I have a class project that involves doing an autobiography. The catch is it is suppose to be an autobiography that is told through an object. So essentially we have to choose an object that in a way represents us, and make some abstract video about it. I am struggling to think of an object that represents me. I was thinking, going with the abstract, that maybe tide pools. I essentially want to tell several different stories from my life (some straightforward some more metaphorical) and have the common theme of the ocean. I figure I can talk about being a little kid and having a panic attack on a class field trip to the ocean. I can talk about camping on the ocean with my family. I can talk about drinking at the beach with my friends. And finally I can talk about when I was baptized in the ocean. So yeah, it is a working thesis.

Does anyone have any better ideas of things that represent me? I am not completely married to this idea. I am excited though because this project is going to allow me access to three chip cameras, which are much better quality than the cheap ass palmcorders I have been using. When I was in high school we used three chip cameras for everything, I get to college and it was a down grade. I am excited about this quarter!

So as I was writing that last paragraph, a telemarketer called. I answered and said hello. They said hello and started giving their talk, then just hung up on me. I got hung up on by a telemarketer. Dumb!! So, my cell phone is completely disconnected now. Everyone who wants to get a hold of me should call my room phone. The number is 360 866 1576.

yeah!

anonymous Tasha would smoke

I have been in a weird mood recently. It was amazing seeing my Evergreen friends today. Amanda is in town. I didn't realize how much I fricking love hanging out with her. It was good news. But yeah, it was my first night back in Olympia in three weeks. Winter break seemed so long. I can't believe it was only three weeks. I am justing feeling really weird.

I want to be happy. I guess the problem is I don't know what it takes to make me happy anymore. I mean I am generally a happy person. But I want incredible happiness. I want to be excited about something. I think starting classes is going to help. I really like my class. I am not sure what I want in my life. I definitely want some Jesus. I don't know why exactly, but I feel really distant from God right now. I don't like it. I want to bring on the Jesus.

I went to the Reef tonight. I love the Reef. The Reef makes me happy. I had a fried egg sandwich. I had coffee. I had some of Charlie's chocolate peanut butter milkshake. The Reef makes me happy. Getting to the Reef, on the other hand, was stressful as hell. But I guess half the fun is dealing with all that crap to get to the Reef. It is definitely worth it.



I want to go on an adventure. I want to experience something I have never experienced before. I want to grow in some new way. I think the only way to make this happen is to go somewhere I have never been. Who wants to go on an adventure. I don't really care where, as long as it is spontaneous and punk rock. I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am, and I can be someone completely different. I want to have a secret identity. I want to make up all kinds of ridiculous lies about my past. I want to make myself seem mysterious and cool. I like who I am, but it would be cool to be someone different for awhile. I feel like it would help me discover who I am.

I hold back a lot of things because people already have an idea of who I am, and I don't want to challenge that. If I went somewhere, and I was anonymous, I could be whoever I wanted to be. But if I wanted to be something other than me, why don't I just do that here? I think anonymous Tasha would smoke. It is nothing I would actually do in my real life. I think it is an expensive habit, and it is unhealthy. There is really no point. But anonymous Tasha would smoke. Mostly because I think smoking makes you cool. I would also have tattoos. Smoking and tattoos are cool. I would also be in a band. I kind of want to sneak off somewhere for like a month and get a job at a local diner. This is where I could re-invent myself. After a few weeks of this, I would return and be good old Tasha again.

Nathan and I have discussed what it would be like to go back to high school. I think if I did it again, I would be much better at it. I mean I would be a total bad ass. Feet up on my desk and everything. Hell yeah.

I bet I could get an independent contract to go back to high school as some social experiment. You can study just about anything here.

I was listening to a Kimya Dawson song and it mentioned the Reef. It was beautiful.


Beautiful.

no means maybe?

I think the way people interact with each other is frustrating. Everything has to be so hidden and secret. We are never ourselves. We are always projecting. I studied listening in school. Their are several different kinds of listening. One way is semantic listening, this is when we have to interpret noise to understand it, like language. When someone is talking we are obviously interpreting the sounds they are making to form words and sentences. Another kind of listening is casual listening. This is just as it sounds, casually distinguishing sounds to better understand them. When we communicate with each other, so much of what we hear is what is not being said. We casually listen to how things are being said to decide what the speaker is trying to convey just as much as we semantically listen.

I am the queen of passive aggressive behavior. I own that. I want people to know how I am feeling without making myself vulnerable by actually saying what I want to say. This is something I have been working on for the last three years. I think honesty is awesome. Why can't we be honest?!?!?!

It all comes down to manipulation, I think. We are constantly trying to manipulate each other. We want to control people and their emotions. I wish that I would be more courageous. I wish I could just scream from the roof tops how I feel, but I refuse to make myself vulnerable. I think we are all tempted to live with a shell. I don't want to let anyone in because they could hurt me, or worse, not care enough to hurt me. One of my biggest fears is that people won't appreciate me as much as I appreciate them.

Flirting seems ridiculous sometimes. Instead of being honest with people we just expect them to read our body language and listen past language. Its all about how, not what. I don't like this. This strategy of interacting with potential partners, allows for disrespect of assertive straightforward communication. I can't stand the "no means maybe" flirting crap. You know, the hard to get girl. If you are being flirted with and you say "no", that should mean "NO". I don't think it is a compliment to be harassed. I think that mind set that you can convince someone with force and persistence is a big problem in our culture. Justin Timberlake videos display this a lot. He will be seeking a girl and she will be giving him the cold shoulder. He will be forceful and even violent with these girls. Suddenly, these girls fall in love with the asshole guy. It hurts me even more when I see girls perpetuating these destructive behaviors by playing hard to get. I want to encourage my fellow sisters to be strong and demand respect. Don't use innocence and vulnerability in a manipulative way. This tells guys it is okay to interpret no as maybe. NO MEANS NO. Dating shouldn't be a game. Flirting shouldn't be manipulation. Emotions should be real. People should be real.


I should be real.

Martinelli's Sparkling Cider and a pizza Lunchable

Last night I went to a party. It was the last thing I wanted to do on New Years Eve. I would have preferred to sit around and watch movies, or get coffee. I don't think I have ever been to a party on New Years. I really try and avoid it at all costs. But last night I was defeated, everybody was going over to Regina's to party, so I went. On the way to the party I got a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Cider and a pizza Lunchable. I know how to party like a big girl. I ended up having a blast! I kind of entered the night assuming that I wasn't going to have fun, but I was wrong. I was able to see and hang out with a bunch of old friends. Several members of my family were there (like any true party). Their wasn't even too much drunk drama, which was nice.

Nathan started the count down early. What a fucker. He definitely intentionally started counting down like 30 seconds early. Everyones was fooled and joined in. New Years is ruined. I got covered in beer and champagne spray. Interesting pictures are sure to surface from that party.

At like 1 o clock, myself, Nathan, Billy, Rachel, Alison, and Kayci went to Denny's. The food was especially gross. Those seven dollar nachos were disgusting. I just got fries, it was pretty safe. I'm pretty sure at least 5 Denny's patrons and employees were offended by our presence. It was a good night at Denny's. Afterwards I spent the night at Nathans. I just got home. I don't think I give enough credit to my friends in the north end. I really do have so much fun with all of them. I mean we listened and danced to Hey Ya at least 3 times last night. Hella party.