Friday, July 10, 2009

Big Dumb Metaphor

Dumb mood

I had a relatively good day.

I saw Away We Go today with Holly and Andi, that was a lot of fun, it was a great movie!
Hung out with the family, that was also enjoyable.
Ate falafel, as anyone knows, I love falafel!

I went to see the Pharmacy this evening also. Most people who knew me two years ago, know how much I love the Pharmacy! I have seen them over 25 times in my life, more so than any other band by a long shot. I believed I blogged maybe 6-7 months ago about their last show in Seattle before they all moved to New Orleans, I talked about how it kind of represented an era of my life that had come to an end. It was a great night! I saw tons of friends and sang to all my favorite songs. It was just the perfect closure anyone would need, I had a great time and accepted maybe I'm not that person anymore, the person who will sit on a bus for three hours every weekend to see her favorite band. Maybe I am not the kind of person who stakes a significant amount of her identity in how obscure the bands she sees are. Maybe I am not the kind of person who will put all other obligations aside to spend a night with her best friend listening to their favorite band, or maybe I am still, I don't know.

I kind of romanticize things, like too often, that hold some sort of sentimental value. Certain places or things, as insignificant as they may seem, I hold to a high esteem because they are representative for something that is definitely significant, like friendship. I think the Pine Cone is an example of that, or the Top Hat Society. Well I kind of went into this night thinking it would be like a friend reunion, it would be a night of nostalgia and reconnection. It was anything but this. Not so much with the band, I mean yeah, they didn't play many songs I knew, but it hasn't really been about that for a long time.

I guess I was just holding out, no matter how bad things have been, some things are sacred, some things can't be touched, or I thought. I thought nostalgia and strong good memories where enough to change the current pattern of unreliability or lack of involvement, but I was obviously mistaken.

It isn't even about the show, really its just like some big dumb metaphor about how shit isn't going to be like it used to be, I've changed and you've changed and everything else has fucking changed. Its about expectations not being met and realities being faced. Like maybe things are fucked and maybe I have to face it.


Bleh, my birthday is in a week, everyone should get me tons of birthday presents!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happy Birthday America!

Generally I'd classify myself as a fun loving individual, usually up for adventure and whatnot, but in certain times I kind of become a huge party pooper and do what I can in my life to repel the fun train. This awful side of me become most prevalent on certain holidays, namely New Years Eve, Valentines Day and the 4th of July. I think what it is, is that these days come with all sorts of expectations, you need to have certain kinds of fun on those days and if you don't you fail.

I think there are a lot of people who need strong convincing something is going to be fun before they embark, like they need to know every detail of the events and you need to outline why it is worth there time to do what ever fun activity it is that you want them to do. I can't stand this attitude! I want to just go with the flow and make my own fun, you know, I usually don't wait for fun to happen, I make it happen!

Despite my usual "Go for it and have tons of fun while doing it!" attitude, on the fore mentioned holidays I generally intentionally avoid all fun on purpose, so that if I do end up having a bad time its because I chose to, not because I am lame. Sweet logic right?

For example, last New Years Eve a few friends and I decided we weren't going to go out, we were just going to stay in and watch movies. Boycott all New Years Eve style fun!! But then last minute we decided to go to a dance party, and it was lame. So we attempted to have fun, but we failed!!

Anyways, I decided this year I didn't want my 4th of July to be bogged down by my fear of not having fun, so I decided to just go for it and actually have fun! (Weird, I know!)

It started off with Memo's, a 24 hour Mexican food restaurant on University Ave, my new favorite place! Then Andi, Hailestorm and I met up with tons of lovely people at a Damage Done show in the U district. Saw lots of cool people and listened to punk rock! Then we bused over to this block party right off of East Lake. There was a mechanical bull, slip n' slide, a DJ and tons of people! We hung out there for a few hours and watched the firework show. After that back to Memo's for round two! Then we needed to get back to Andi's, but it was pretty late and the buses stopped running, so we decided to take a cab. I couldn't get through to the cab company because the number was busy for a long time. We walked outside and saw a cab and hailed it! Well mostly Lauren, but I helped a little. It was awesome, like in the movies! Anyways, made our way safely back to Andi's and then watched Arrested Developement! What a perfect fourth of July!

Moraly of the story: I had fun, good for me!

Happy Birthday America!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Adulthood here I come

So, I have a year til I graduate.
I know that I have plenty of time to figure things out in my life, but I feel like if I haven't figured things out soon, I'm going to miss out.
It seems as though my time is limited, like I won't have time to do all the cool things I want to do.

Andi and I were talking about how we (or rather I) have a tendency to romanticize being punk rock. There are parts of me that just want to bum around the country and party everyday, void of any and all responsibility and accountability. But when I look around at people who are embodying this life style I am ultimately turned off by it.

I got paid today. I had been living off next to no money for nearly a month, it was hard for me. I can barely go a month without a financial security blanket before I freak out, and most of that time I was living with my mom.

I'm already applying for jobs for after I graduate; I don't want to be poor.

My job has been pretty cool so far this summer. Its an interesting change though. This year I barely ever had class, and although I pride myself on being very self motivated, its different having to adhere to someone else's schedule and needs before my own. I mean, its pretty damn real world though.

It seems as though college is a pretty self involved time, or at least my college experience has been. Everything I work for solely benefits myself and I am only responsible for myself. When I'm at the Jeremiah Center my actions directly affect my coworkers and the youth I am here to serve. Once again, real life as hell.

I always feel tempted to make "at least" one word, but then the little red line appears reminding me not to be stupid. Atleast.

I turn 21 in like two weeks. That's cool I guess, I mean I'm really into my birthday. I think there are like two different kinds of birthday people (or like 8). There are the people who get all weird and distant and hate their birthdays, and then there are people who love their birthdays. I'm definitely the latter. I feel kind of awkward making things all about me, but when it come down to it, I love when its all about me, at least for the day.

21 is a big deal I guess, like I'm joining a pretty exclusive club. Everyone gets to join eventually, but until you do you get to wait on the outside looking in (sometimes very literally).

Well adulthood here I come I guess.