Friday, September 19, 2008

I am still waiting for my letter

I get disappointed a lot. I hold people, events, locations, situations all to this high standard that often leaves me feeling empty or incomplete. Let me clarify that this isn't supposed to be an angst drenched blog because I am passive aggressively telling someone they have fucked up, because that isn't the case. I am actually very content with my current situation. Early today Laurel and I were talking about Christians and how a lot of churches are kind of lame to go to and I mentioned how I wanted to go to Grand Rapids, Michigan (which is the location of Mars Hill Bible Church where Rob Bell is the pastor, which in case you didn't know, I love Rob Bell and everything he touches and I am a little obsessed). I quickly retracted that thought, I said "Actually it would probably just be a big disappointment." I feel like thats what I have come to expect from my life. That band did eventual sell out, Haight and Ashbury was as just as commercial and uninspiring as everywhere else, the charming boy ended up just being an asshole, and the seemingly perfect situations have a sad ending. I feel like most happy endings have to evolve from tragic events. I want the story where someone expects something and then they receive that and keep on living their lives. 

I mean, I get that struggle equals growth and that there is a lot of good in experiencing things that prove too difficult, but that must be different than just assuming things are going to suck. Why should I assume that going to Grand Rapids, Michigan to go to Rob Bell's church would be a big stinking disappointment? Maybe it is less about the actual result and more in how I tend to over romanticize. I think adventure is like this; we all seek some sort of life changing adventure that has romance and danger, but in the end we return to our cookie cutter life styles, just a little bit cooler. I watch movies and read stories and wish my life could be as magical and promising as the characters I relate with most. I am still waiting for my letter from Hogwarts. 

Maybe fulfilling things don't happen in the climax of adventure. Maybe to truly have experiences that are life changing and fulfilling, we must change our minds about how we want our lives to change. I live my life with a certain idea of who I am and who I want to be, and I obviously make decisions that attempt to further my development in embodying the individual I seek to be, but deep down I think we all know who we want to be, which is remarkably different than who we think we should be. 

I want to be hella punk. I want to be in a band and party all the time. I want people to look at me and envy the life I have. I want to go on tour and meet new people every night. I want to live a life free from stress and bills and obligations that weigh down the rest of America. 

I know I don't actually want to live a life that consists of partying and being cool, because in the end their is no value in that. But, despite knowing what will make me truly happy, their is still apart of me that wants to be someone who I am not and should not be.

I want to go to Grand Rapids and meet Rob Bell and for him to think I am really cool. I want him to ask me to direct Nooma videos. I want to be intellectual and to know what everything means in Greek and Hebrew.

I want to be an artist.

I want to be a successfully small business owner.

I want to be a mother.

I want to be a pastor.

I want to inspire a generation to be punk rock!

I want to inspire a generation to reject gender roles.

I want to inspire a generation to live their lives for God.

I want to be more awesome than I am capable.
__________ I am afraid that, in the end, I will disappoint. 

1 comment:

Laurel said...

I feel famous when you reference me in your blogs.

This might be the first time it's happened, but I still feel famous.

Your letter will come, one day.