Act a Fool

Laurel has LimeWire, this is opening all new windows in my life. 

The first thing I downloaded was Ludacris, what does that say? 

I have been really into late 90s hip hop recently. 

Maybe my sister Katrina has a lot to do with this.

I am going to Edmonds tomorrow. 

Kazba adult staff training.

I keep blogging after long days where I am too tired to actually explain how my life is going. 

Charlie is back. I feel like my house is complete. I have to get up early. More later.

This really isn't worth reading

I got back from our Evergreen Jesus Folk leaders retreat today. It was definitely weird going to a retreat center with people from Evergreen. I have been to camps so similar in the past, many times. I guess the Evergreen Christian group has always done things so different than most other things I had been exposed to, mostly out of necessity. Last year our leaders retreat was for like a few hours and it was just a couple of us sitting in a living room. I feel like this year we actually have the opportunity to do things right. I am looking forward to having such a strong support of leaders.

The Office starts tomorrow. I know this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is, it really is. I love investing into TV shows, especially to the point where my mood is effected by what is happening in the show. 

I am so tired, all I want is to watch Project Runway and go to sleep :(

maybe ice cream will be in my near future.

I am still waiting for my letter

I get disappointed a lot. I hold people, events, locations, situations all to this high standard that often leaves me feeling empty or incomplete. Let me clarify that this isn't supposed to be an angst drenched blog because I am passive aggressively telling someone they have fucked up, because that isn't the case. I am actually very content with my current situation. Early today Laurel and I were talking about Christians and how a lot of churches are kind of lame to go to and I mentioned how I wanted to go to Grand Rapids, Michigan (which is the location of Mars Hill Bible Church where Rob Bell is the pastor, which in case you didn't know, I love Rob Bell and everything he touches and I am a little obsessed). I quickly retracted that thought, I said "Actually it would probably just be a big disappointment." I feel like thats what I have come to expect from my life. That band did eventual sell out, Haight and Ashbury was as just as commercial and uninspiring as everywhere else, the charming boy ended up just being an asshole, and the seemingly perfect situations have a sad ending. I feel like most happy endings have to evolve from tragic events. I want the story where someone expects something and then they receive that and keep on living their lives. 

I mean, I get that struggle equals growth and that there is a lot of good in experiencing things that prove too difficult, but that must be different than just assuming things are going to suck. Why should I assume that going to Grand Rapids, Michigan to go to Rob Bell's church would be a big stinking disappointment? Maybe it is less about the actual result and more in how I tend to over romanticize. I think adventure is like this; we all seek some sort of life changing adventure that has romance and danger, but in the end we return to our cookie cutter life styles, just a little bit cooler. I watch movies and read stories and wish my life could be as magical and promising as the characters I relate with most. I am still waiting for my letter from Hogwarts. 

Maybe fulfilling things don't happen in the climax of adventure. Maybe to truly have experiences that are life changing and fulfilling, we must change our minds about how we want our lives to change. I live my life with a certain idea of who I am and who I want to be, and I obviously make decisions that attempt to further my development in embodying the individual I seek to be, but deep down I think we all know who we want to be, which is remarkably different than who we think we should be. 

I want to be hella punk. I want to be in a band and party all the time. I want people to look at me and envy the life I have. I want to go on tour and meet new people every night. I want to live a life free from stress and bills and obligations that weigh down the rest of America. 

I know I don't actually want to live a life that consists of partying and being cool, because in the end their is no value in that. But, despite knowing what will make me truly happy, their is still apart of me that wants to be someone who I am not and should not be.

I want to go to Grand Rapids and meet Rob Bell and for him to think I am really cool. I want him to ask me to direct Nooma videos. I want to be intellectual and to know what everything means in Greek and Hebrew.

I want to be an artist.

I want to be a successfully small business owner.

I want to be a mother.

I want to be a pastor.

I want to inspire a generation to be punk rock!

I want to inspire a generation to reject gender roles.

I want to inspire a generation to live their lives for God.

I want to be more awesome than I am capable.

__________ I am afraid that, in the end, I will disappoint. 

PORT to the Dot to the COM

The beach cabin is kind of gloomy today. It is very grey. The beach cabin definitely shines when the weather is nice. I not looking forward to the winter. I don't know why, but winters seem sooo much worse in Olympia than it ever did in Edmonds. I am getting more and more realistic about school starting. I am not going to have any free time! 

For my class this year I get to spend about 9 months working on a film. !!@!$#@! I have never spent more than 10 weeks on a single film. I am looking forward to the challenge I guess. I feel like this is going to be the single most serious thing I have ever done. I am not sure how much I want to take on. Last quarter I planned on making a video that was about 7 minutes long. Our faculty set a length limit to our projects, so no one was supposed to make a project that was longer than 10 minutes. I guess I felt like I had plenty of time and I could have easily make my piece longer. A lot of people in my class were super over ambitious and didn't even complete their projects. I definitely did not have that problem. I finished a week or so early, and I felt completely confident in what I produced. It became everything I wanted it to become. 

I want to really use my time this year because I have so many resources at Evergreen that I will never have again. What I was thinking about making is a narrative film that is anywhere from 30-45 minutes. The only problem is that in order to make a narrative film I need actors. I need a group of people who can commit to a. not changing their appearances for 3 months b. acting in the film 15ish hours a week c. be flexibly and work around my difficult schedule d. doing all of this for free. Anyone out there!!

The biggest downside to film is that it is so collaborative. It is fine doing collaborative work when there is a large group of people who are just as committed as I am. Unfortunately it is hard to get people super committed to something when you have your own class and work and really busy college life. 

If I had money I would pay people. At the NY film school the students learn theory for 3 years and then spend their senior year creating their masterpiece, but they don't have the technological background to run the cameras and lights and stuff, so they higher people to do all the technological aspects of film production (which is a pretty hugs part). My problem is that I have a hard time trusting anyone else. I want to run the cameras, do the lighting, do the editing, and every other aspect (except acting, or course). 

wahhh. Art is hard.

So you know those freecreditreport.com commercials where the guy sings? I like them. F to the R to the E to the E and C to the R to the E, DIT to the R to the E to the PORT to the dot to the com, everyone grab your bike and sing along!!!

Quality.

I need to unpack and set up my room today. I am kind of sleeping in a closet, by that I quiet literally mean I am sleeping in a closet. I am so into it! I am thinking maybe some Christmas lights. I kind of decorate my room like a 15 year old. I mostly think this because I have been decorating my room the same since I was 15. I haven't really been able to make my space my own since I got fired last year. I hadn't lived somewhere for more than two months since then, which really isn't enough time to unpack, knowing I am just going to to pack everything up in a few weeks.

I want everyone in Edmonds to come a visit me!

TESC IS A FACIST STATE :(

I just got an email from school. Aparently Greeners (allegedly) lit fire to some dumpsters and the shed near the Organic Farm. It seems as though they believe it was arson. What the hell is wrong with people. STOP VANDALIZING MY SCHOOL. No one is forcing you to attend this publiclly funded school, you choose to go here. If Evergreen is "the man" and that seems to distress you sooo much, than don't go to school here. I like Evergreen, that is why I choose to go here. Figure it out!

Follow Me!

So, fellow bloggers I have an idea! Blogger has a new gadget that allows you to "follow" blogs, and you an also add the blog list gadget. I know this may seem like a more complicated version of just have a links page, but it is much cooler. I think it is worth the extra time to set it up. But, it will only be more cool if we all do it. Oh, and if you don't have a blog, just make one already. Join the revolution.

Oh and also, just because I am such a nerd, I have a twitter. Its like a micro blog. This is another example of something that would be much cooler if more people had it. so make one.

Oh, and follow me.


So I rode my bike a whole bunch yesterday, like probably 15 miles all together. I feel real good about it. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it, but I figure I need to get in shape for riding too and from school. But, I guess the part that bothers me is that I feel like most people didn't think I could handle being one of those people, the people who rides there bikes a lot. I feel like if people who were more athletic looking told everyone there were going to start riding their bikes to and from school, they would be alot more supportive. Well for those who doubt me, you can suck it! (ps. if you want to give me a ride ever, I am totally willing.)


I need to stock a new band. The Pharmacy is moving to LA. I have probably seen them more than 25 times and I would go extremely out of my way to attend as many shows as possible. But now there are moving on to bigger and better things (LA sucks!) and I have to also move on. I am thinking it will be a lot easier for me to stock an Olympian band because I live in Oly 9 months out of the year. I want a band that is dancy that I can sing along to, and obviously a smaller band so that I can afford to go to every show.

Any ideas?

Typical Olympia

So I live in a vacation home. It is quite literally a family's place to go on vacation. I was just there for like the last five days, and I felt like I was on vacation. I haven't lived somewhere in a long time where I can entertain guests and hang out. I know my house is definitely going to be kind of a bummer when the rains come, but whatever, everywhere in Oly is crappy in the winter. I know this sounds hella braggy (huh, I doubt that is a word), but I never really lived in a nice house before, and I guess I am just excited to be the girl who lives in the waterfront beach cabin for once. I mean, I am definitely getting it for a steal, I'm only paying 310 a month to live there, cheaper than most apartments in the Glen, but still, it is an amazing house.



I took the bus home from Olympia to Edmonds today (actually from Tacome because Lauren is a badass and gave me a ride). The bus is an extremely intimate experiance I was noticing. For over an hour I was sitting so close to this lady that we were definitely like touching the entire ride. We didn't talk, well not really. She said this is my stop, and then I got up and let her off the bus. For an entire hour we sat in such close vicinty that I could practically feel her breathing, and yet we didn't even exchange names or small talk. I kind of hate the bus sometimes.


I want to get a tattoo soon, like real soon. That is important to me. Maybe it is too expensive. Maybe I don't care if it is too expensive, I haven't decided yet.


I went to a show in Olympia a couple nights ago. It was a pretty standard Oly show. It was in a basement, there was a lot of drinking, I knew, one way or another, like half the people there, and the Hail Seizures played. Very typical Olympia. I realized how much I miss shows and how important they are to me. I saw lots of bands, but I was especially into Chin up Meriwether. I feel like I could get really into them. I got the CD! A downside to my beach cabin is that it is real far from down town and it is totally scary to bike at night. I guess I'll be crashing at Matt Louv's and Amanda/Celena's place a lot (thats what you get when you live down town).

I want more Twin Peaks.


I am really saying nothing of value right now. I'm done.

religious cults, time travel, body snatching, and innappropriately timed puns

So, many people in my life have heard me advacate for local music. Maybe sometimes this advocation has been somewhat elitist and judgemental toward people who tend to like more "mainstream" music. Well I do like big bands and I do like bands that are very local and do not have a very big fan base. I guess it comes down to the fact that it is just plain old cheaper to like smaller bands. Their merchandise is cheaper, their CDs are cheaper, and most importantly, their shows are cheaper. I have really bad priorities, so if a band I like is playing in town, I will do whatever I can in my power to go to the show. When I see local bands I have to pitch out like 5 bucks to indulge in several hours of music. When a bigger band I like a lot comes to town my wallet seems to get so much lighter, like last night when I dropped 43 dollars to see the Decemberists.







yep.











It better be pretty damn cool. I don't think I have ever spent this much to see a band before.











I am moving to Olympia soon. I don't know what soon means, but I am doing it. Life is in transition. I have recently had some time to reflect on the recent months in my life, which is something I haven't been able to do because I hadn't spent any quality time by myself in awhile. Well, I came to realize something interesting. All summer I have been striving for good solid community and friendships that will hold me up and help me live a better life. I have definitely been blessed in my life with amazing people, and I am so greatful. But anyways, I started involving myself with the Jeremiah Center in November of my junior year of high school. I would say for the first 4-5 months I really only went because I liked the people, it had nothing to do with God. In spring of my junior year I started to think more deeply about faith, at that point in my life I thought organized religion wasn't punk rock and that God was nothing more than a pretty good idea. Well I started to wonder what was so capitvating about God, and well I will spare you all the details about how I came to faith, but I started to love and follow God the summer between my junior and senior year. That next fall I was on the leadership team. Then I went to college, and although I wasn't a leader for our christian group, I was probably one of the most invested students (out of the three). I hosted bible study, I helped plan events, I took on the weight of alot of the aspects of bible study. My sophomore year of school I became a bible study leader. Now this most recent summer I was in intern at the Jeremiah Center.





For almost my entire faith life I have been in leadership positions. I like being a leader, and I think I am kind of good at it, but I think I am ready to be lead for awhile.






There is this show I like, its called the 4400. It is hella nerdy. It is about all these people who have been abducted over the last 60 years and then all of a sudden in a big ball of light they are returned, each them hasn't aged a day. Some start to develop abilities (like X-men style). Well this show is full of exacting antics including religious cults, time travel, body snatching, and innappropriately timed puns usually about horrific things like death of loss. Its a great show. Well anyways, there are lik 4 seasons and I had only seen the first two. My family bought the third and fourth season so over the last couple days I had watched the entirety if the series. I get to the last episode of the last season and the end the series on a huge cliff hanger. !!??!?!?#?%?(*!*!!, I went to the website and it turns out that the show had at least to more seasons planned out, but was canceled because the writers strike was too financially burdensome and it was getting good enough ratings.

Dumb.

This is the first time I have felt personally effected by the writers strike.



They better make a movie.