Thursday, February 14, 2008

Glorified (and wonderful) excuse to eat candy

So, during my brief re-emergence into the drinking world, I forgot one thing. I hate parties. I am currently not drinking, I can say it is just because of lent, but that isn't true. It was becoming a problem and I needed to calm down. A lot of people in my life don't understand this, and that is okay. I don't expect anyone to know what alcohol means to me, just like I don't know what it means to them. All I do know is that alcohol means way too much to me. I was at this party tonight, and all I wanted to do was drink. I wanted to drink so bad. I wanted to drink until I couldn't think right or walk straight. I wanted to drink until I made decisions I would soon regret. I feel like beer is the perfect escape from being responsible. I can't be blamed for my actions when I am drunk, right? Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with this imagined pressure to be a good example. A part of me wants to do whatever it takes to feel immediately gratified, drugs, sex, booze, it doesn't matter, I want a piece of it. Some voice in my head is constantly re affirming that these things don't actually make me happy, they would just make me forget or distract me. Alcohol is everything that is bad for me in my life, but it is also anecdote of "fun Tasha." I don't know what is missing in my life, but I know beer isn't it.

Anyways, why I hate parties! Well I don't exactly hate parties, I just hate most people. Okay, I don't hate people, I just get horribly annoyed with them. I believe it to be true that when people have been drinking, their inhibitions lower and are more audacious in there actions. When I am cold sober (as I was this evening) and I see people interact with each other, I just get angry. I see the skezzy guy making his rounds, hitting on and touching all the girls at the party. I see the girls who are flattered by this offensive flittering. I can see these gender dynamics boldly presenting themselves in front of my eyes, and it sucks. At other parties this year, it has been primarily people I knew well and I have also been drinking. Tonight was a rude awakening to how the rest of the world works, and it sucks. It is kind of like leaving Evergreen, but the characteristics of this party stank of Evergreen stereotypes, folk music being made in the living room, lots of white people (I think all white people actually), PBR, and much too familiar faces. I was in a house full of people I recognized, some I had even been in classes with and conversed with on a regular basis, but hardly any people in that house where my friends, or even people I felt slightly comfortable around. I guess it boils down to feelings. I go to some parties and I feel comfortable and I have a great time! Others I have overwhelming feelings of violation, just from standing in the room. After people started arriving I didn't feel comfortable at all, in a house that I have been at dozens of time, with people I count as my best friends. I don't know, it was just uncomfortable. I got some surprising and horrible news at the party, and it was time to leave. The world makes me sad sometimes. I fucking hate "the way things are" sometimes.

Respect women, respect me.
Thats not too complicated.

Okay, I have really been ragging on this party. It wasn't that bad I guess, a lot of people seemed to be having a lot of fun. It just wasn't what I needed tonight. I tip my hat to the captain for having another raging party.

Oh yeah, Happy Valentines Day!! Let us dine and drink to the martyred Saints known only as Valentine on there feast day, February 14th. Let us remembered our loved ones and those who we care about in our lives by eating chalky little candy hearts. I can't get enough of those things.

Hmm, how can I end this without sounding biter about Valentines day? I really have no hard feelings against this day. This is just like most other holidays, a glorified (and wonderful) excuse to eat candy! Anyone got any extra sweethearts? I'll take them!


Nicole said...

Being an adult is not that fun. You are a very strong person with a srong faith in God. Is that enough? Shit I don't know. But your blog makes me think that it is enough. You have been around substane abuse and you know the pain it can cause. Not everbody who drinks has a problem but it sure can lead to one. Keep your hear open to God and youe eyes open to everything around you.

nicole again said...

Okay I forgot the T in HEART and th R in YOUR.

Giselle said...

i think it's real brave of you first of all, not drink, and then to notice and care about the things that suck.

and if it's any consolation, you were a wonderful Valentine...